One Year
by AnEquivalentExchange
Summary: A mix of stories taking place during the one year between the Elrics' failed transmutation and Ed getting his state certification. No elricest, some young Edwin.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This story is a prequel to my other story Whole Again, however you don't have to read that first in order to read this. Happy reading!**

* * *

Alphonse couldn't remember what he had been doing. But now he was lying on the floor of his father's study, regaining consciousness. He blinked his eyes open to find the room shrouded in darkness and cloaked in a layer of fog.

A moan escaped from Al. It sounded odd, echoing in a way that it shouldn't have. Something was off; his body felt completely numb, but his mind was still too disconcerted to put the pieces together.

The memories from before all came flooding back the moment he saw Edward. Hunched against the wall amidst the fog, the eleven year old was clutching at his right shoulder and struggling to remain conscious. Al sat up at the sight of his brother, a clanking sound followed as he did.

"Brother!" Al yelled, clumsily standing and running to Ed. "Ed! What happened to you?" Alphonse reached out a hand to where his brother's right arm no longer was, instead replaced with a wrapping of bloody bandages.

It was at that moment Alphonse saw that the hand he had reach out was not his own. "A-and _me?_ What happened to _me?"_ His voice rose as he stared down. The arm that moved before him was thick and metal; the hands were gauntlets much larger than his own hands were.

As Alphonse examined the rest of his body, patting down the metal body and realizing he couldn't feel his own touch, Edward explained, through heavy breathing. "I-I'm sorry, Al…I used my right arm as material in a transmutation but all I could manage was to attach your soul to the armor in the corner." Ed gritted his teeth and clutched harder at his shoulder.

Alphonse remained still, taking it all in. So it had been a rebound; one of epic proportions too if it had been enough to pull Al's body from his soul, and to cause Ed to lose two limbs. Ed's blood was smeared all over his hands and clothes, and was now getting on Alphonse as he held his small brother in his lap.

Surely a transmutation with an outcome this large had to have brought back their mother. After all they had sacrificed, that was equivalent exchange, right?

"What about mom?" Alphonse asked, his voice cracking with fear.

Ed whimpered before he forced the words out. "You shouldn't look."

But Alphonse had already turned his head to the center of the room, where they had placed all their materials.

"It wasn't human," Ed croaked.

Alphonse gasped as he saw the figure through the fog. It was black and grotesque, it's limbs twisted at inhuman angles and its eyes unseeing. It wasn't moving.

Somehow, even if he no longer had a heart, Alphonse felt the same feeling within his soul as if his heart was pounding. Was that their mother? Had they brought her back in that damned form just to have her die a second time? Alphonse wanted to cry. How could it all have gone so wrong? "I-I don't understand, Ed. What happened? Your theorems and equations, they all seemed right!"

And then Ed spoke, speaking words Al had never expected, or wanted, to hear. His voice shook as he struggled to get the words out. "The theorems weren't the problem, Al…it wasn't the math. _It was us."_

No._ No. _That didn't seem possible. They had spent years of their lives working for this, they had put in so much time and effort. They had given up what was left of their childhood for this. And not once, not once, did Alphonse ever think it would turn out like this.

Ed went limp in Alphonse's large arms. His blood splattered cheeks were growing pale and Al knew he had to do something _now_. "Brother?" Al asked, panicked.

"I-I'm sorry…Al."

"Brother! Your arm…We need to get you help!" But what to do? What was he supposed to do? There was nothing he could do, not in his present state. Not when he couldn't feel his brother nor understood how to move in such a large metal body.

Ed didn't answer. He let out a noise between a moan and a whimper.

Alphonse stood immediately. The loud metal clanking and echoing of his body made him jump. But there was no time to worry about that, not when Ed was dying in his arms. Thinking quickly, he ran from the house, metal footsteps sounding as he made it out the front door.

The sky was dark and overcast, making it hard to see the dirt paths of Resembool. But Al knew the way very well, he could make it there with his eyes closed.

While he ran, he yelled at Ed to stay awake and to stay with him. "Hang on, we'll be there soon," he kept reassuring his brother. Ed never answered, but Al could see he was trying his hardest to stay conscious, and to keep from crying out from the pain.

There would be time to assess his own situation later, Al told himself. Right now, what was important was saving his brother's life. Al wouldn't allow himself to think about what it would be like if Ed died.

Al refused to lose the last of his family. Not after all they had been put through. Ed wouldn't give up yet; neither would Al.

The familiar yellow house came into view. Its lights shining through a few of the windows were like a beacon to Al, calling him to his sanctuary.

He clambered up the front steps and burst through the front door. It was always kept unlocked, in case the Elric brothers needed anything. Al doubted the Rockbells' ever expected them to be this in need.

Al was vaguely aware that both the Rockbell women were present before he cried out for help.

Winry gasped in terror and the terrified look on Pinako's face as Al burst through the front door with a bloody and dying Edward were horrible. But what was even worse were the looks on their faces a moment later when they realized that metal monster at their threshold was Alphonse.

"_Granny, please. Help my brother. He's going to bleed to death."_

There was a tense pause as their sights fell on Edward. A shriek ripped from Winry's throat and the stillness was broken. Pinako's pipe fell from her gapping mouth, and Ed began to stir, clutching his shoulder while swimming in and out of consciousness.

A whirlwind of commotion ensued. The brothers were ushered in without question. Pinako began shouting, giving orders to both Winry and Al. Winry's expression became very stern, even though there was true fear clear in her eyes. Alphonse remained silent, still in shock, and obediently did as Pinako told.

Alphonse had never been so appreciative that his neighbors were automail engineers that had come from a long line of doctors. In Pinako's many years fitting people with automail, she must have seen many gruesome things. She remained calm and level-headed, even though there was an urgency in her voice, but even she couldn't completely mask the fear on her face.

Per her instructions, Alphonse brought his limp brother into the surgery room. Pinako and Winry began working immediately, throwing on sterile clothes and pulling out their instruments.

Alphonse stood in the corner, not sure what else he could do. He felt so utterly helpless as he watched his brother lying on the bed, blood staining his clothes, his skin growing pale.

Winry turned away from Ed as if realizing Al was still present. Tears were forming and the look of fear in her eyes had only deepened when she looked at him. "Al?" she asked, as if she wasn't sure it was really him. "Al, what happened?"

"You were trying to bring back your mother, weren't you?" Pinako said, not even bothering to turn around from Edward as she began unraveling his hastily-done bandaging.

Alphonse couldn't speak. He could barely get out a quiet, broken sound. It had all gone so wrong so fast, his mind was still reeling. His body was gone. He couldn't feel and he couldn't breathe but he was still _existing_ inside this armor, and on top of it all, Edward might not even make it through this horrid night. Then Al would be stuck forever, alone in this armor.

Pinako paused and turned around once she realized Alphonse hadn't answered. Her expression softened when she looked at him even though Alphonse knew he showed no emotion. "Winry, take him out of here." Then turned back and gruffly muttered, "He shouldn't have to see this."

Winry turned sadly to her grandmother, nodding softly. "Right. Come on, Al." After an almost imperceptible pause of hesitation, she took his large hand with hers and pulled him toward the door.

"But, my brother!" Al yelled, turned back for Edward. He wasn't about to leave his brother, not when he was in this state, not when there was a possibility this was the last time he'd ever see Ed. "Wait! Ed!"

"There's nothing you can do in here, Al," Pinako said calmly. "We're going to do all we can for your brother but in the meantime it would be best if you left. I don't want you to have to watch this, and I don't want you getting in the way."

Alphonse could sense Winry pull harder on his arm. The tears were flowing freely down her cheeks as she looked up at her friend. "Al…please."

Al looked down at his forlorn friend, who, not too long ago, he had to look up to see. There really _wasn't_ anything he could do, was there? He had barely been able to make it to the Rockbells' house in time with this clumsy and unfeeling body. He would just get in the way no matter what he did. Silently, he let Winry lead him from the room.

They stopped just outside the threshold. Winry gently closed the door behind her. She kept her hand on the knob and her gaze down as a silence overcame them both. She finally looked up, her shoulders hitching with a quiet sob. "Al…He's going to be okay." Though the way she said it made Al doubtful, which only made him feel worse. He wasn't sure if Winry had said it for him or because she herself needed the reassurance. She looked up at his expressionless mask. There were a million thoughts across her face and Alphonse suddenly felt guilty. For making her worry and for scaring her, for keeping it a secret from her and for lying so long.

Not only that, but he felt guilty for what he had done to Brother. There was a nagging feeling in the back of his head that it had all gone wrong because of him. Sure, Al knew that he was a gifted alchemist, especially for his age, but Ed was the true prodigy. Even though Ed had said it had been both of them, it still didn't help the feeling tugging inside of Al that it was solely his fault, that he had done something wrong, he had brought back his mother a second time but he still wasn't good enough to bring her back completely. He couldn't stop a rebound from happening.

And if he hadn't gotten his body taken, Ed wouldn't have had to sacrifice his own arm. Now Ed was hanging on the balance and it was all Al's fault.

Winry's voice pulled Alphonse from his torrent of terrible thoughts. "Is that really you in there, Al?" she asked plaintively, sounding years younger than she was.

Al sighed, it was more like a faint echoing inside his armor. With a bit of fumbling, he pulled off his helmet. He knew it wouldn't hurt, but still it was odd to think about. He leaned down for Winry to see. "No," he said. "I'm not in here at all. This _is_ me."

A faint gasp escaped Winry's mouth. "I-is that blood?"

Alphonse was confused for a moment before it clicked. "That must be the seal that's keeping my soul bound to this armor. My body was taken during the rebound and Brother was only able to get my soul back with his arm. He must have drawn it with his blood. The iron in his blood is what bonds me to the metal." Al knew Winry didn't know much about alchemy, but hoped she'd understand; he didn't know if how much he'd be able to explain without completely breaking down. He placed the helmet back in place, which proved to be difficult with big hands and no ability to feel.

"Why, Al?" Winry's voice cracked. "Why did you do it? Why didn't you two tell anyone?" Her voice had risen but still it quivered with the threat of more tears.

Al looked down at her, at a loss of words. The sinking feeling he still somehow felt, grew worse. "We…we just wanted to see our mom smile again." He felt the urge to cry but a logical part of his brain told him that wasn't possible without a real body. Nonetheless he felt all those tears he needed to cry and those negative emotions building up but there was no way to relieve them; that only made Alphonse want to cry harder.

Winry's lips parted, with shock, with hurt, Al wasn't sure. Maybe it was with empathy; Winry understood the despair of having your parents taken from you far too soon. It was beyond Al how she had stayed so strong; she had lost both of her parents at once nor did she have a brother by her side like Ed and Al did. How had she not been driven to want to bring them back? Her mouth shut immediately and twisted into a frown. Al knew she was thinking about her own parents, about her own grief and pain. He knew she understood. And though she understood, the look on her face made it clear that she did not approve of what they had attempted, especially now that it had ended up like this.

"You—" Her expression showed hurt that made Al regret everything. How could he hurt his best friend like this? After all the hardships the three of them had gone through, now this was their reality. He could kick himself for making her cry again, even if this wasn't an outcome he had foreseen. Her tone was harsh and he knew she meant to speak even harsher words but they were reduced to sobbing.

"Winry…" was all he could say, and the same useless feeling came back.

She turned her face up to him and new tears were glistening on her cheeks. "You'll be okay. You and Ed both." But it was there again, that same overly confident statement that overcompensated for the uncertain feeling they both felt.

Al said nothing, instead he just looked down.

Winry wiped at her eyes as they both stood there in silence.

After what seemed like an eternity, Alphonse gently leaned back until he heard his body echoing as it hit the wall, and he slowly navigated his way down until he had situated himself into a sitting position on the hardwood floor. He hadn't realized until now just how difficult it was to do simple things without the ability to touch. Al knew this was only the beginning of a difficult road, which only made him feel worse. He wasn't sure what he would do. Would he be stuck like this forever?

Something akin to a sob sounded within his armor. Winry pulled her hand from her face as she watched Al pulled his knees in close to himself. The lights in his helmet dimmed.

She reached out a hand and gently touched his shoulder, worried. "Al?"

He looked up.

Al didn't believe her words of encouragement. He couldn't, not with the images of his brother bloody and near death still fresh in his mind, not with a bleak-looking future in front of them. He just grunted out a soft, "Hm," before putting his head down once again.

Winry could see the hopelessness in Al's demeanor even without his normal body expressions and face. Careful of his metal body and sharp spikes, she sat down next to him.

They stayed that way for what seemed like hours. Al had lost track of time and it wasn't like he had normal body functions like hunger or tiredness to help him tell.

Granny Pinako eventually emerged from the room. The light disappeared from the dark hallway as she closed the door behind her. Her expression looked bleak and tired; there was blood staining her clothes.

Both Winry and Al looked up as soon as she stopped before them. She heaved a heavy sigh before speaking. "He's lost a lot of blood, but he'll recover. He's strong enough."

"Can I see him?" Al asked eagerly.

Pinako nodded tiredly. "He won't be awake for a while though. He's on quite a bit of medication now." She turned to her granddaughter, grimly. "There are some things I need to take care of, so I'm putting you in charge of watching Ed for now. After that I want both of you to go rest. It's been a long day and tomorrow will be just as tough."

The two kids nodded and Winry helped Al up as best she could before they hurried into the surgery room, leaving Pinako in the hall.

The room was completely still, bathed in an unnatural bright light. Winry could smell blood and anesthetics the moments she walked in. Edward lied motionless in the bed, new bandages covering his arm and crisp white sheets coming up to his chest. Multiple IVs were stuck in his good arm and a machine whirled and beeped behind him.

The two crept closer; Al tried to stay light on his feet so the clanking of his body wouldn't disturb his sleeping brother. Al was certain he hadn't succeeded though.

Any trace of pain was gone from Ed's pale face. His forehead was smooth without creases of worry or fear; sweat lightly coated his exposed skin. His pale eyelashes fluttered lightly as he dreamed. For now, Edward seemed to be at peace.

Alphonse let out a relived sigh, feeling as if a million pounds had been lifted from his shoulders. Ed would be okay. It didn't matter what came tomorrow, or a year from now, he had been saved and he was alive now. Now that Edward was safe, Alphonse finally allowed himself to realized just how terrified he had been not being at Ed's side when his brother was in such a fragile state.

Alphonse sat down carefully on the small stool at Ed's bedside, vowing that he wouldn't leave his brother's side, no matter what lied ahead.


	2. Chapter 2

Edward was trapped in a limbo. He vaguely became aware of the fact that he was conscious and yet his mind remained muddled and disconnected no matter how much time seemed to pass. His whole body felt warm, and he felt more at peace than he could ever remember feeling.

The dream he had been having slowly came back to his mind the longer he reminded still. Ed couldn't remember the details but Al had been there, as well as their mother. It was a pleasant dream even if the details escaped from Edward's mind, and yet something about it rubbed Ed the wrong way.

Something had gone wrong. There was something, something tugging urgently at the back of Ed's fuddled mind, pleading to be remembered, begging for his attention.

It upset him; it was ruining the pleasant feeling enveloping Ed and was making the last of his good dream dissipate.

Surely this bad feeling was nothing. He was safe, tucked comfortably into his bed, and Edward knew if he opened his eyes and looked to his right, he would see Alphonse asleep in his own bed. Ed would get up and the brothers would continue their lives in Resembool as they always did.

Something about that last thought made Ed's eyes snap open as quickly as they could in his drowsy state and look to the right, where his brother's bed would be.

But the bed wasn't there, this wasn't their room. And Al was nowhere in sight.

Dread shot through Ed's veins and all traces of sleep fled from his mind. He was at the Rockbells' house, no doubt about it. In their surgery room. Edward had seen its crisp white interior before but had never stayed long; there had never been a need to.

Now he was lying in its single bed, alone. The artificial lights above shone too brightly for his tired eyes; they just made him feel more weak and dizzy than he already did.

The feeling of fear grew more urgent. Ed felt his heart rate pick up.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw his shoulder and what was visible of his side under the sheets were wrapped in layer after layer of bandages.

And his arm. _His arm._

A strange cry escaped his dry throat as he looked down at were his arm no longer was. Ed gritted his teeth at the sight, and all the momentarily forgotten memories of last night revealed themselves.

Edward's good arm flung up to his face, hiding his eyes as tears involuntarily appeared.

Everything came back as Ed lied there; Al being torn from this world and that white monster with the terrifying smile, and that _thing_ they had created, being carried to the Rockbells' door, and the pain, _so much pain_, and the red color of blood, then eventually passing out into a world of medically induced dreams.

But what stuck in Edward's mind was Al. Sweet little Alphonse, his terrorized screams were stuck on repeat, piercing Ed's thoughts as it played over and over in Ed's mind. And reaching out to Al, getting so close to grabbing his brother's hand as Al was taken from this world, but not quite being able to reach, even though Ed knew it would have been futile either way.

Losing the only family Edward had left had been a nightmare come true, but had he really saved Al?

A sob escaped from Ed's lips.

Or had he damned his brother? Al wasn't even human anymore. The unknown consequences for Ed's brash action could be life-shattering for Alphonse. How could he do that to his little brother? The only person in this world he truly loved? The person he had sworn to always protect. Ed was his older brother and he let this happen.

Not only _let_ it happen, but he was the very reason it _had_ happened. What kind of hell would Alphonse go through now that he had no body?

Ed bit at his lip to keep from sobbing.

_He hates me_

_Surely, he has to hate me,_ Ed thought. _After what I did to him._

How were they supposed to live now? How could Ed go on crippled to this degree, how was Al supposed to have a full life as a suit of armor?

How could Ed even face his brother now?

The thought of seeing Al in his current state filled Edward with fear. He didn't know if he'd be able to look into that metal face. How was he supposed to look at his own brother when it didn't even look like him? How could he look Al in the eye, knowing that he must hate and blame Ed for everything that had happened even if such an expressionless mask wouldn't show it?

Ed was suddenly glad Al was not in the room when he had awoken. He wasn't ready to face his brother now; but at the same the big brother in him _needed_ to see Al, to make sure his little brother truly was alright, even in that new body.

_He must blame me. Al hates me and he blames me. I'm a sad excuse for an older brother._

So that was their reality now, was it?

Ed rubbed his arm across his eyes until there were no more traces of tears. His arm fell tiredly back down to his side; it seemed his body was still recovering from losing so much blood.

This had been _his_ fault. It had been _his_ idea to bring their mother back. Al had just gone along with it. He had always trust Ed; he put his faith in his older brother and Ed did this.

Ed didn't deserve to cry.

It was at that moment Ed vowed he wouldn't shed another tear over this. He didn't deserve to cry. He wouldn't allow himself to pity his circumstances when he was the one at fault. He didn't need to cry; he didn't need to look any more weak than he already did.

That decision, however, could not stop the depression that was slowly seeping into Edward's mind from swallowing him whole.

* * *

Edward spent his time lying still, staring up at the blank and boring ceiling, miscellaneous and desolate thoughts coming and going from his mind, none stayed for long.

Pinako came in sometime after Edward had lost track of how much time had passed.

"Ah, so you're finally awake," she said in a gentle voice, as if anything else would break the poor boy.

Edward said nothing as she walked in, closing the door behind her. She busied herself in the silence, doing something at the counter that Ed could not see. She came over a moment later, replenishing the supply of painkillers that was connected by a tube to Ed's arm.

Edward was relieved as the medicine almost immediately kicked in; he hadn't noticed how much his stumps as begun to hurt until the pain had almost completely disappeared.

Pinako then went on to check both of his limbs. Ed could smell tobacco on her clothes as she leaned in to examine his shoulder. After that, Pinako pulled away the sheet to survey his leg. Edward's eyes grew wide as he looked at what was left of it. But she pulled the sheet back up to Ed's chin before he could gawk for long. "How about some breakfast? You must be hungry." The woman spoke casually, albeit softly, as if there was nothing wrong.

Ed couldn't do the same. He stared at her for a long time as if he had suddenly forgotten how to speak.

"No," he finally croaked, his voice barely above a mumble. He was certain she hadn't heard him, he hadn't even heard it himself, but the frown that formed and the concern in her eyes indicated that she understood.

Pinako didn't push it, even though she looked like she wanted to. "Your brother had been asking about you. Do you want me to let him in know that you're awake?"

Ed stared at Pinako again. She checked his vitals once more as he sat there contemplating. Eventually all he could manage was to shake his head.

"Alright. I understand."

Ed wondered if the relief that was visible on his face was overshadowed by the guilt that suddenly overcame him for keeping his worried brother in the dark. He couldn't decide which made him feel worse.

He was about to tell Pinako never mind, let Al in, he would have to face his brother in that body soon enough anyway, but the older woman spoke before he could get the words out. "I'll tell him you're still resting. But you will have to see him eventually, Edward." She smoothed the hair away from his eyes then turned and headed for the door. "I'm going to send Winry in with food in a little while. You need to keep up your strength if you want to get better." She left as quickly as she had come, not waiting for Ed to answer, because they both knew he wouldn't.

* * *

As Granny had promised, Winry arrived not much later. She knocked hesitantly but word must have passed from grandmother to granddaughter that Ed was acting disconnected because Winry hesitantly opened the door a second later without waiting for a reply. She held tightly onto the brass doorknob in one hand, and the other hand held a tray of food against her hip.

"Edward?" she asked timidly. They made eye contact from across the room if only for a second. Winry walked in, closing the door gently as she did.

"Hey," she said uncertainly as she crossed the room. It was obvious she was nervous, scared even, but was trying hard to not let that show and remain casual. "Granny told me to bring you some food." She indicated to the tray gripped in her hands. Winry looked at Ed then glanced away, surveying the objects in the room, anywhere but her best friend lying there in bed with his desolate gaze. After a moment in the uncomfortable silence she placed the tray on the bedside table. "Ed?"

Edward blinked and his eyes focused before he finally looked at his friend. "Hm."

"You have to eat, you know."

Ed gave half a nod; Winry took that as a cue to help her friend into the sitting position, fluffing and positioning the pillows behind Ed so he could stay seated without effort. Winry sat on the edge of the bed and pulled the tray onto her lap. She scooped up a spoonful of the oatmeal glopped into the small bowl, and held it up to Ed. "Here."

Ed frowned as he looked at the spoon in front of his face with no appetite. But he opened his mouth and accepted it anyway, knowing that would be easier than fighting Winry over it. He wasn't in the mood for another one of their petty arguments. Ed knew he would have been able to do it with his good arm but he didn't even care, he didn't even want to be doing this. Being fed made him feel so young, so helpless, and Ed hated it.

Winry looked almost surprised that Ed had done it so willingly. But her expression quickly shifted to sadness and she twirled the spoon in the oatmeal. "Ed. Please talk."

Ed stared blankly at his best friend. Even if he wanted to talk to her, she suddenly had him at a loss of words.

Winry finally looked up to meet his gaze. "Well? Say something."

And when he still said nothing, Winry's voice rose slightly. "Edward, please, stop it. This isn't like you." Her voice grew stronger and she had her usual vigor back. "Granny told me you don't even want to see Al. All he's been talking about is you and yet you won't even let him in here. What is going on, Ed?" Winry put the tray down harder than she needed to and stood up, facing Ed. She balled her shaky hands into little fists. Ed could see her eyes growing watery as her lips turned into a frown.

He couldn't even get mad at her for yelling. He knew she had a point; something definitely was wrong with him. But a lot of things had gone wrong lately, he was not an exception. He could only feel sad as Winry got angrier. He'd already lost his brother and his mother once again along with a few limbs and what was left of his innocence in the course of one night—did she really expect him to be the same? But a small part of Ed told himself that she wasn't really angry, that wasn't like Winry, she was obviously just worried, even if she had an odd way of showing it.

When Ed didn't get angry and spit out a retort like he always did during their fights, Winry grew more frustrated. "You can't stay like this forever! That's not you at all, Ed. I—I know what happened was terrible and I'm so sorry that it did happen, but please," Winry sniffled. She blinked and the first tears fell. "Please stop this. I want the old Edward back." She stood there, hand over her eyes as she tried to stop herself from crying.

Ed continued to sit there and watch. The guilt he had been feeling since he had awoken had only grown worse as he watched his friend cry. But there was nothing he could do. Nothing he could say could fix this; he couldn't do anything and they both knew that. But still, even if Winry cried easily, it didn't make it any easier to see.

Winry was able to calm herself down quickly. She lifted her eyes from behind her hand to look at Ed and blinked the last of the tears away. "I—I'm sorry. I can't do this." She stared at him a moment more before turning away. "I'm going to get Granny." Her shoulders were stiff but her demeanor was beaten down as she quickly fled from the room.

Ed stared at the closed door long after Winry had left. His gaze eventually shifted down to the bowl of oatmeal still at his side.

His lack of appetite had turned into a feeling of sickness as Winry's words ran through his head. He hated seeing her cry, and he hated how helpless he was to do anything but watch. But no matter how many tears she shed, no matter how many harsh words she flung at him, they both knew that the Ed they both knew was long gone.

And there wasn't a thing either of them could do to fix that.


	3. Chapter 3

Ed could hear the hollow metal clanks as his brother walked down the hall outside his room. The footsteps slowed to a stop and Ed sat there in the silence, trying to mentally prepare for the conversation that would ensue. He ended up just staring blankly at the opposite wall, listening to Al, who seemed to fumble with the doorknob for a moment, before creaking the door open.

"Brother?" Ed didn't move. He couldn't see his brother; sometime during the solitary hours he had turned onto his left side, lying awkwardly on his good shoulder, facing the opposite wall even if it, like the rest of the room, had no interesting view to offer Ed. But he could hear Al's body move as he stepped further in to the room. "Granny said it was alright if I came in here to see you."

That was true. Once Pinako had come back to finish Winry's duty, Ed had asked to see his brother. The amount of guilt he felt for not wanting to see Al in that armor far overshadowed Ed's fear of how uncomfortable and painful their first encounter would be. It didn't matter how badly Alphonse blamed Ed for everything, Ed needed to see his brother; even with all the guilt Ed felt, he _wanted_ to see his brother. Al was his little brother and Ed needed to see him regardless He was after all the only family Ed had left. They had to stick together and watch out for each other even Ed hadn't done a good job of that before.

Alphonse slowly seated himself on the stool at Ed's bedside. "How are you doing, Brother?"

Ed turned slightly to speak. He could see Al just out of the corner of his eye before his head dropped back down onto his pillow. "Okay."

"Good." Al's voice was thick and his body scraped as he moved. "I—I was really scared, Brother. I didn't know if you were going to make it." He made a small sound like a cry but there was no threat of tears, not in that body.

Ed fell onto his back at Al's words, perplexed. He stared at his brother, finally looking and taking in that metal body that housed his brother's soul. It hadn't occurred to Ed that Al had spent his time worrying about him, not when his own situation was so much more unusual, and in so much more need of Al's attention.

Ed had spent most of his time worrying more about Al than he had about his own situation, why hadn't Al been worried about himself too?

"I was scared too, Al."

Al's shaking body stilled at his brother's words. "Let's never try anything like that again, Brother. Please."

Ed didn't bother to say that even if for some insane reason he _did_ want to attempt something like that again, he _couldn't_. Now that he had lost an arm Ed could no longer perform alchemy.

It was just another thing that he had lost that night.

* * *

It was almost an hour past midnight when Winry finally emerged from Edward's room, exhausted. She closed the door, dreaming of finally resting her head down and going to sleep, where there would be no more blood or sadness or tears, at least until morning. She rubbed at her eye tiredly as she walked down the small hallway, coming abruptly to a stop when she noticed the motionless figure situated at the end of the hall.

"Al?"

The moonlight glinted off the silver armor as Alphonse made a small noise and looked up.

Winry moved closer, hugging the water basin she carried closer to her middle. "What's wrong? Can't sleep?"

Alphonse looked down, hugging his arms in closer, and said in a small voice reserved for only the darkest nights, "I guess not. This body must be unable to sleep." The first night, Al had barely settled down. With everything that had happened, sleep had been the last thing on his mind. Even when Pinako forced him from Ed's room and into the guest room the brothers would share when they stayed the night, Al wasn't tired. He had accounted it to the shock of everything and wasn't really worried about getting sleep that night. He had been much more worried about Ed and his own body to think this body wouldn't allow sleep.

But today with Ed in a more stable condition, the commotion had died down and Al figured he should get some sleep. He had spent hours trying to get his body to fall asleep. He was tired, but it wasn't eh same tired he had felt before. Now all he felt was a mental exhaustion that he couldn't shake. Al was hoping that maybe he just had too much on his mind but after hours of trying, he was beginning to think the worst.

"Oh," Winry said in a voice equally as plaintive. She moved closer, tugging at the edge of her shawl. "Are you cold?"

Al looked down. "Can't feel that," he mumbled. "I can't feel _anything _in this body."

Winry didn't know what to say. There really was nothing she could say that would make this situation okay or make her friend feel better. She looked down, desolately.

After a pause of hesitant silence, Alphonse spoke again. "I never knew the night was this long." He glanced at Winry to see if she was listening. "Just a while ago, at night, Brother and I would always talk about alchemy and the future…and then we would fall asleep. The night seemed so short." His voice was growing thick. "But now that the nights are so long…it makes me think about things I shouldn't!" He grabbed at the sides of his helmet, as if trying to drive the daunting thoughts from his mind. He curled his body, trying to become as small as his hulking form would allow.

Not knowing what else to do, Winry just stood there. She wasn't sure how she could comfort a suit of armor, one that apparently couldn't even feel her reassuring touch. "I'm really sorry, Al." _About everything,_ Winry silently added.

"Hm." It sounded from within Al's armor, even if Al didn't actually make a movement to indicate that he had heard her words.

"Why aren't you with Ed?" The brothers had always been practically inseparable. It was never just Ed or Al, it had always been Ed _and_ Al. It seemed odd; the two were so close, stuck in this same house together, and yet they were barely ever seen in the same room.

"Brother doesn't want me in there. He can't even look at me now. He blames himself, I know." Somehow the suit of armor seemed to shrink and Winry could only see the young boy she had grown up with.

Winry's voice dropped as she was filled with worry. "Why, did he say that to you?" Had the brothers had a fight? Come to think of it, Al really hadn't stayed in Ed's room for long today.

Al eventually looked up at his friend. "No." He burrowed his face back into his thick metal arms. "I can just tell."

Winry curled her fingers tightly around the basin she still held. It shook slightly in her hands. "I hate this. We're all going through a lot right now and I know it's hard for both of you. It's hard on me and Granny too, but besides us, you two are all you've got left. You can't let this tear you two apart, Al!"

"I don't want it to," Al pleaded.

Winry set the basin down and carefully approached her childhood friend as if he was a wounded animal. Careful of the spikes at his elbow, she sat down next to him. Al seemed surprised, as much as an expressionless suit of armor could appear. No one but Winry had really gotten close to him since becoming armor. He was beginning to feel isolated, but Winry broke through that barrier with the simple action of sitting next to him as she always had when he was still a boy.

Once she had settled again his armored bicep, Al admitted, "But, Brother…I don't know what to say to him."

Winry looked up to his helmet and spoke. "Just talk to him, okay?"

"It doesn't matter. No matter what I say to him, he'd still blame himself. I know. I know Brother and he blames himself for everything going wrong and for putting my soul in this body, even if it saved my life."

"Then _tell_ him that." But Winry knew Ed, maybe not as well as Al, but she had grown up with him, she had learned his ways long ago; he wouldn't forgive himself so easily, not when Al had been harmed in the process.

"I-I…I can't. You know Brother, he was never the best at talking about his emotions. And now he can't even look at me without that guilty look on his face. How am I supposed to talk to him about this?"

"He's your _brother_, Al." Winry stood abruptly and held out her hand. "Come with me."

"What—why?" Al asked, suddenly flustered.

"We're going to see Ed," she strongly stated, her inner fire igniting again. It seemed to have been doused when the Elrics had stumbled up to her front door, but it had suddenly come back at the thought of the brothers being driven apart by their own self-doubt.

Al stood up quickly after her, but it was clumsy, like a toddler learning how to walk. "But—Brother, he's sleeping. We can't wake him up."

If Winry was listening, she didn't let on. She was already halfway down the hall. "Come on, Al."

"Uh, right," he said unsurely, but the drive in Winry's voice was enough to make him hurry as fast as his body would allow.

Winry pushed open the door to Ed's room with a tenderness she didn't possess just a moment ago. It must have been an instinct passed down through generations of healers. She turned back to Al, who was hovering over her to see into the room. "Shhh." She placed her finger to her lips. Al hadn't been talking; he wondering if she was telling him to stay quiet, or if she was telling him to keep his body from clanking.

The two tiptoed in and approached a sleeping Edward lying in bed.

Once they had stopped, Winry placed her hands on her hips and turned to Al. "See, it's just Ed. There's nothing to be afraid of about him. He's still your big brother, nothing has changed, Al."

Alphonse leaned down to study his brother. He really hadn't looked closely at him during their last encounter; it was too painful to look at him when Ed's usual zealous disposition had been taken over by that hopeless expression he now wore on his face.

But now he was sleeping, and without those detrimental thoughts running through his head, it was easy to see the old Ed shining through. His mouth was opened wide and he snored lightly; his left hand lied across his stomach.

He seemed so much younger in sleep. So much less world-weary and beaten down. The hard lines had disappeared from his face and his lips were no longer shaped into a pointed frown. It was a nice sight to see.

"I suppose you're right," Al whispered.

Winry reached out and lightly placed her hand on the wet cloth that covered Ed's forehead. Even though she had just wet it, it was out of habit to check again. "He'll be back to his old self eventually." But there was a sadness in her eyes that couldn't hide the doubt she felt.

Winry let out a yawn and it occurred to Al how late it was.

"Winry, why don't you get some sleep?"

"I need to keep an eye on Ed. Granny won't be up to care for him for a few more hours. And he has a fever. I don't want anything to happen to him."

"I can watch him for you."

"No, Al, I—" She was cut off by her own yawn.

Al went to put a hand on her shoulder, though without his sense of feeling he decided to just let it hover over her back. "You need your sleep if you're going to take care of Brother. Really, it's okay, Winry. I don't need to sleep anyway."

Winry looked up with a frown. Her large, round eyes were filled with sadness and words left unsaid.

"Just tell me what I need to do."

Winry tiredly nodded. "Alright," she said, rubbing at her eye. She quickly went to retrieve the bucket of water she had left in the hall. She began giving Al instructions: change the cloth about once an hour or whenever it seemed to be dry, keep the covers pulled up to his chest (they were attempting to get the fever to burn itself out), his shoulder and leg were wrapped in special bandages Granny said were to help reduce the swelling so there was nothing that needed to be done to them, and Granny would be awake before Ed would need another dosage of pain medication so both Al and Winry were prohibited from touching it.

Al stood there, twiddling his fingers, and trying not to forget anything.

Winry placed her hand on Al's forearm, her other hand was occupied with rubbing at her tired eye. "And if anything seems wrong at all, get Granny immediately."

"Um. Right." The thought of _anything_ going wrong suddenly set Al on edge.

"Thanks, Al," Winry said tiredly.

"Oh, sure. Now go to bed."

She nodded then shuffled to the door and mumbled, "Good night."

Once the door had closed softly behind her, Al sat down next to his older brother.

Ed's skin was pale from losing so much blood the night before and his cheeks were flushed, though that might have been from the fever.

He rested peacefully while the pain meds worked their magic. Every once in a while Ed would turn his head slightly or murmur an incomprehensible word in his sleep.

Al occupied himself with fixing the wet cloth every time Ed moved, or just studying his brother, while trying to figure out what would happen to them now.

It was hard to imagine Ed had actually lost two limbs; the blankets covered up his leg and most of his arm so it was almost easy to imagine he hadn't. Part of Al believed it was only his imagination, that in the morning he and Ed would just get up and go play down by the Rain River, or discuss alchemy and spar like Teacher had instructed. But every time he looked down at his own body, looked at the moonlight that shone off the unforgiving metal or got a flashback to the blood and pain and utter _darkness_ of last night, he was violently reminded that this was a very cruel reality that they both lived in now.

* * *

**[A/N: Whoa, this chapter ended up _a lot_ longer than I anticipated. It's not even over yet, but I wasn't sure how much longer it would be had I written the entire chapter the way I had planned, so I just decided to split it up into two chapters. So I'll have to post the second part fairly soon!]**


	4. Chapter 4

The night remained silent. Alphonse could almost think of it as peaceful if he kept thoughts at bay of his own body or Ed lying crippled in bed. Alphonse realized that maybe he seemed so calm because he didn't have to move. The quiet that surrounded him wasn't upset by his own body moving. He didn't have the usual rise and fall of a breathing chest nor the natural twitch of a muscle. He was completely still and completely silent.

The only thing breaking up the uniformity of the night was Edward, who still tossed and turned quietly in his sleep. Mostly it was just his head flopping to either side; it was too much effort for his body to turn fully in sleep when he had two limbs missing. Ed would move, mutter some unintelligent words as a dream passed through his mind, then he would still again, and all would be quiet once more.

Until there was a turn of his head that was more violent than those before it. The cloth had fallen off completely onto the pillow under Ed's head. His murmurings picked up, and Ed began to squirm whatever parts of his body he could still move.

Al was growing frightened.

Should he get Granny? Or should he stay for fear of leaving Ed alone?

There was a quiet noise unlike the others. A sound from deep within Ed's throat, somewhere between a whine and a cry. It was a sound that never should have come from Al's older brother.

Ed's eyes squeezed even more tighly closed, and his head turned to either side as if he was searching for something in his sleep.

He whined again, though this time it was mixed with a word. A word that sounded suspiciously like "Mom."

Al leaned closer, deciding whether or not he was supposed to wake Ed from his nightmare when another yelp distracted Al.

_"No! Al."_

Ed's words were louder and clearer this time.

Al knew if he had a heart it would have sunken. He never realized just how much he had depended on Ed's strong exterior. Ed had always been his rock. But now the boy looked so small and vulnerable with his walls torn down.

It was shaking Al's very perception of his brother. Sure, they had both cried at their mother's funeral, but after that Ed barely showed any weakness. He had always been tough and distant, for Al's sake.

"Mom!" Ed's hand had fallen from his stomach and was now clutching the blankets at his side in a death grip. The wet cloth had long been forgotten and sweat from his fever wetted Ed's forehead and plastered his bangs to his face. "Please! Mom! _Mom! AL!"_ The last word ripped from Ed's throat, a horrified shriek filled with anguish and unimaginable fear.

"Brother!" Al yelled back to be heard over Ed's cries. He had had enough. "Brother, I'm right here."  
Ed's yelling had ceased for the time but the whimpering and thrashing continued.

Al leaned in as close as he could without his chest plate hurting Ed. "Edward, stop! I'm right here. It's okay, Ed." Al placed one hand gently—or so he hoped—onto Ed's good shoulder to keep him from violently moving again, and one hand against his brother's sweat-slicked cheek. "Brother. It's alright. I'm okay. I'm right here."

Ed's small hand latched onto Al's in his sleep. "Al...Al," he panted. Tears squeezed through Ed's tightly closed eyelids and slid down his cheeks. His movements had finally stilled under Al's gentle hold but his chest still rose and fell violent as Ed tried to catch his breath. "Al...I'm sorry...I'm..."

Ed's entire body seemed to jump as he finally awoke and his breathing became more regular.

Ed repeatedly blinked his eyes until they finally stayed open. He glanced, confused and still coming to, down at the hand against his shoulder that was clutched in his hand. His eyes traveled up Al's arm until they finally met the lights that took place of Al's eyes.

"Al," he breathed, voice slightly trembling as his heart still pounded. Alphonse could see in Ed's tired eyes the reality setting back in. "Al," he repeated with a relieved sigh. He closed his eyes and seemed to sink back into the pillows as relief washed over him.

A moment later, as if remembering that he still held onto his brother's hand, Ed's eyes reopened and he slowly pulled his fingers away.

After a moment Al took his arms back and awkwardly placed them at his sides.

"You're okay."

"I'm right here, Brother. I'm fine. You were dreaming."

Ed closed his eyes and inhaled deeply before exhaling again. "You're right. It was just a dream."

Alphonse took advantage of Ed's calmness to take the cloth beside his face and dip it in the water basin.

Al rung out the cloth and placed it back over his brother's forehead. "How does that feel, better?"

Ed grunted with a small nod of his head.

The flush on Edward's cheeks was still present. It could have been a result of the blood loss, but the layer of sweat coating his exposed skin showed that his fever was still running strong.

"How are you feeling, Brother?"

Ed's eyes opened lazily. They stared out the window; the curtains were partially drawn but the stars were still visible, as they always were, in such a rural town such as Resembool.

After the failed transmutation, Ed's eyes had dulled from a dazzling gold to what could only be described as a dull bronze, hooded by tired eyelids. "M'fine."

"Really, Brother."

Ed's head flopped to the side to gauge Al's expression, even if he didn't have one. Ed frowned slightly, having been caught in the act of lying. He made an indignant noise. "I'm tired no matter how much I rest and I'm dizzy all the time. My mind is all fuzzy and it's hard to think straight. I feel nauseated, and the pain is fine for now…but I don't want the medication to wear off before Granny comes back to give me another dose." His eyes were finally clear of the last signs of sleep, but they still seemed foggy and detached.

Al rested his hands on his knees. "If that happens I'll be sure to wake Granny. And if you feel sick, I can carry you to the bathroom."

Al meant it to be reassuring but Ed just seemed to grow more melancholy at the thought that his younger brother _could_ carry him so easily now with his large armor body.

Ed's inner monologue was screaming at him_. Ask him, ask him now, do you blame me? Ask him now or you'll always be wondering. _

Ed's lips parted and he inhaled.

"Al..."

"What is it?" Al leaned closer.

Ed cringed at the sound of metal shifting. He swallowed the words on the top of his tongue and instead whispered, "What's it like?"

Al sat back, taking the question into consideration. "Well," he said thoughtfully, "it's not easy."

He could see the darkness clouding Ed's eyes so he continued. "But I'd rather be like this than be dead. If you hadn't thought quick enough to bind my soul to this armor, my soul have been lost from this world forever. So, thank you, brother."

Ed shook his head vigorously. He couldn't be thanked. He couldn't accept Al's gratitude when he had damned his brother to a life of cold metal. "But—but you can't..."

"I know. This body keeps me from doing a lot of things: eating, sleeping, feeling your touch, but if it wasn't for you I wouldn't be here at all. So..." Al sighed, it was a quiet sound that ringed within his body. "I can bare living like this. For now at least."

Ed remained still, his eyes staring at the ceiling, which was featureless in the darkness. So Al couldn't eat or sleep or do normal human activities. That much Ed had hypothesized but hadn't known for sure until now. He was hoping that wouldn't be true, but without a normal living body, how could it be anything but?

Al watched his brother as he took it all in. Ed looked like he wanted to say something; he almost looked ready to question Al's words, _for now?_ Al took that as an initiative to continue talking. "I don't plan on staying like this forever, Brother. I—I can't. And I want you to be by my side when I do it."

Ed's eyebrows furrowed. He looked up at Alphonse. "What are you talking about, Al?"

"Don't you remember the Philosopher's Stone? It gives alchemists greater power and the ability to bypass the law of equivalent exchange. Maybe, maybe if we could find it...we could figure out a way to get my real body back."

"Look, _of course_ I want to get your real body back, but that's just a legend, Al. There's no proof it actually exists."

"Brother, you can't give up now! We've already given up too much. This isn't equivalent exchange."

"Let's just forget about alchemy and equivalent exchange, okay, Al?"

"What? But...but alchemy..."

"Is what got us into this mess. And equivalent exchange doesn't have to be fair. We paid the toll with our bodies, and we brought Mom back just…not the way we expected. It would be best to just stop with alchemy." Ed went to turn over onto his left side, turning his back to Al.

"But Brother—"

Ed fell onto his back, pushing himself up as much as he could with his good arm. "I don't want to lose you again, okay, Al?" The suddenly movement must have made his clouded mind feel lightheaded however because he fell back onto his back almost immediately. Then Ed looked up at his brother and for the first time, truly looked him in the eye. "I don't know what we're gonna do, but don't try anything. We can't be seperated again." He turned back over and muttered into his pillow. "I'm sorry, Al." Ed grew quiet and remained still, signaling that their conversation had ended.

But Al knew it wasn't over. He would fight this, he would get his body back even in the face of opposition, even if his brother told him it was too risky. Ed was always known as the stubborn one, but Al could be just as so when it came to getting what he wanted.


	5. Chapter 5

Edward sat, gripping tightly onto the wheelchair's armrest with his good hand. His fingernails dug into its material with a strength Ed didn't realize he still possessed.

It had been days since he and Al had attempted to do the impossible and the brothers' situation, much to everyone's disliking, was starting to feel more commonplace.

It was today Ed had finally left his usual spot in bed and had begun moving around the house in an old wheelchair saved usually for automail patients and amputee customers.

It was quiet in the house now as the sun began setting, casting elongated pillars of light across the hardwood floors. Winry, Granny and Al were outside, bringing to an end what had turned out to be a very notable day.

That morning, Winry had come in, tray in hand as she always did since after that first morning. This time was different though. She sat down on the edge of Edward's bed as she always did, however this time she didn't begin with something generic like "Are you hungry?" This time she sat that for a minute, staring down at the tray of food.

Ed didn't push her; he wasn't all that hungry anyway, though he did have to admit to himself that his appetite was beginning to come back.

"Ed," she finally began timidly. She looked up and caught his gaze. "It's been over a week. Do you think you're finally ready to get up? It must be lonely sitting in here by yourself all the time. Granny and I were going to have breakfast together soon, won't you join us?"

Ed couldn't hold her gaze as Winry spoke. He occupied himself by looking down at the glass of milk sitting on the tray, as if that vile glass of white liquid held the answer to Winry's question.

Winry had grown used to Ed's silence or half-hearted words when he actually did bother to answer. Alphonse obviously hadn't mentioned that Edward had begun giving more than monosyllabic answers, at least to Al. It was the brothers' own little secret since it only seemed to happen when they were alone. It happened especially at night, when the weighty conversations began under the darkness that blocked eye contact, and tiredness had suddenly made them both open and vulnerable.

"Ed, you have to eat," Winry spoke softly when Ed didn't answer, adding, "even if Al can't."

That made Ed look up. Winry's eyes were large and blue and so hopeful, he couldn't stand to let her down.

"Okay," he muttered.

She perked up. It was almost sad how the littlest things seemed to make her happy lately. "Really?" Winry smiled a soft but bright smile. "Okay, I'll go get Granny to help you get up." She stood, leaving the tray, and happily trotted out the door.

* * *

Breakfast was quiet besides some chatter between Winry and Pinako and the clanking of silverware. It ended too soon.

Soon afterwards, the Rockbells began to go about their day; Al had offered to take over caring for Ed, pushing his chair, and tending to his needs.

But the moment they moved into the front room a commotion began outside. Den began barking and the sound of unfamiliar voices could be heard on the property.

The four in the house stopped just as the front door swung in and a serious man in a blue military uniform barged in past Pinako, with a quiet blond woman in toe.

Dread shot through Edward. Surely they were here for him. Somehow the military had caught wind of what he and Al had done. Now the repercussions were coming to get him.

The military man with the dark hair and even darker stare spotted Edward.

What would happen to them now? Would Al be taken off to be studied in some lab, would Ed be punished by the state—

The man grabbed Edward by the shirtfront, pulling him right up from his chair so quickly it made Ed feel lightheaded, and he stared the boy dead in the face and began yelling.

"_We went to your house, we saw the floor. What _was _that?"_

Ed could do nothing but bite quietly at his lip and quiver. He couldn't meet the man's penetrating gaze as he remembered the night of the failed transmutation in vivid detail, and as he worried about the future of his and Al's well-being. Ed felt the on slot of tears coming.

_"What did you do?"_ the man yelled in a voice that left no room for pity or compassion.

Even sitting in his chair now, Ed was still shaking as he thought back to the encounter.

It was Al who had diffused the situation a moment later when he placed a gentle gauntlet onto the man's arm.

The soldier placed Edward back down as he stare up at Al, awestruck, realizing what the suit of armor really was. He pulled back as Pinako walked up, then pulled out a watch from his coat pocket. The silver watch spun on its chain, but once Ed saw its face, he immediately recognized the Amestrian military symbol—a state alchemist. "My name is Lieutenant Colonel Roy Mustang." He turned to Pinako. "Sorry for the intrusion, Ms. Rockbell, but if you don't mind I would like to talk to the Elrics."

It was then that Pinako officially invited the Lieutenant Colonel in, calmly offering him to take a seat so the four could talk in private, but still keeping her guard up.

The man immediately began talking; his baritone voice was calmer now, strategic and thoughtful, no longer full of anger and accusations. Edward had expected a military punishment to come from the man, or a verbal lashing for what they had done; he was not expecting the offer for an opportunity.

* * *

The woman was poised and quiet. She did not speak unless spoken to and followed order complacently. She was also gentle and understanding.

But she was a soldier.

And Winry couldn't trust that.

Soldiers had taken her parents from her when the Ishvalan war had reached its peak. Soldiers were the reason her parents had never returned. Winry hated them for that.

But this lady, who insisted on being called not by her title, but simply by Riza Hawkeye, she was different. She didn't fit the stereotype that Winry had created in her mind after her parents' departure and deaths.

Riza Hawkeye wasn't a warmonger. And while the 2nd Lieutenant was quiet, she didn't have an intimidating or serious presence. Her demeanor was calm and pleasant even though her presence hadn't been anticipated or welcomed at first.

She had been waiting for her superior when Winry brought her in some tea, knowing that was the proper thing for a host to do, but also because she was curious about the woman, and had many questions to ask.

But Winry didn't like the answers she got. Ed and Al leaving? Joining the military? Winry felt her heart breaking. Why did everyone she love have to be taken from her so prematurely? Even if what Ed and Al had done was taboo, the military had no business intruding on their lives. They could eventually get on with their lives, they could all live happily in Resembool just like how things used to be. But Winry knew she was just fooling herself with that childish dream.

In truth, what Ed and Al had done was catastrophic and of course there would be consequences. But still, she cursed why. Why did it have to be the military that she loathed so much? The military that had taken her parents, and now her best friends? Who in their right minds would willingly become a soldier anyway?

Winry turned to the 2nd Lieutenant on her right, who was calmly sipping her tea. Winry stared down at her untouched cup before timidly asking, "Miss Riza, why did you become a soldier?"

The woman's eyes seemed to soften slightly. She didn't even have to think about her answer before she smiled to herself, simply stating, "Because there's someone I need to protect."

Before Winry could ask her to elaborate on such a vague answer, that man—Mustang—entered the room and the 2nd Lieutenant immediately stood for her superior.

"We're leaving," he said gruffly.

"Yessir," she answered, not even turning around to Winry before the two soldiers exited.

* * *

Now Winry stood, with Granny and Al, watching as the Lieutenant Colonel and his subordinate's wagon receded down the long pathway, leaving Resembool as soon as they had come. The three stood in silence, watching until the wagon disappeared completely from view.

Pinako broke the silence with a scoff. She turned around swiftly, her movements propelled with a renewed disgust for the military, and she started up the steps. Winry and Alphonse followed silently in suit.

"Can you even believe these state alchemists?" Pinako spat, opening the front door and stepping in. "Who would willingly become a dog of the military?"

"I would." The voice was so quiet it took a moment to register that Ed had actually spoken. The three stopped in their tracks and looked, noticing that Ed was still in the room, sitting in his wheelchair, partially hidden by the shadows. "If it'll help me get Al's body back then I would gladly become a dog of the military, or anything else it takes." His voice was hushed, rusty from disuse, and it had been more words than Winry had heard Ed speak in over a week, but there was a glint of that old determination.

"Brother…"

"But Ed…" Winry interrupted Al's halting word. She felt dread course through her. How could Ed even consider that as an option? Her stomach dropped; she knew Ed and she knew that he would do whatever he could for Al, even if it meant compromising his own wellbeing.

"You're not seriously considering that, are you?" Pinako asked sternly.

"Of course, I am. I have to get Al back to normal, and this may be my only way how."

"But do you also know state alchemists can be called into battle to be used as 'human weapons?' Are you prepared to do that?"

Ed hesitated. "Look, I'll do what I have to if it means fixing our mistake." He paused and his gold eyes hardened. "That's why I need you to fit me with automail."

Pinako grimaced, knowing just how painful of a procedure installing automail was. "You don't really want that, do you, Ed? The pain of automail surgery is hell, you know."

"I don't care. My mind is set."

Winry gasped at Ed's sudden decision. She thought of Ed going through all that pain and the rehabilitation. He looked so frail and fragile, sitting in that chair, Winry couldn't see him getting though it all. She suddenly felt the need to hold him and protect his vulnerable self from the pain and the military and the world as a whole. Miss Riza's words came back to her, with a sudden clarity, _there's someone I need to protect._

And Ed was Winry's someone.

Once Ed set his mind to something, there was no way to argue with him. And if he was willing to put himself through all the pain that came with automail, Winry would be there through it all, helping in every way she could, and protecting Ed in her own way.

"I'll do it," she spoke up. Everyone turned to her and she suddenly felt self-conscious. "I'll help make your automail, Ed, if that's what you want." Winry turned to her grandmother. "I need the practice, Granny, if I'm going to become an engineer. If this is what Ed really wants, I want to help him."

Pinako stared at her granddaughter for quite some time, contemplating. Finally, she exhaled. "If this is what Ed has his heart set on, there's no arguing. You can help me with the surgery and automail construction." Pinako sighed. "But enough of that talk for now. Supper will be ready soon."

* * *

"You're not really gonna do it, are you, Brother?"

"Sure I am. Why does no one believe me?"

"It's just…I'm scared." Al shifted and his armor creaked quietly in the darkness of Ed's room. "I don't think you should join the military, Brother. Even if there's a chance we could get our bodies back. There might be another way—"

"I've already made up my mind, Al."

Alphonse sighed. "Fine."

The Rockbells had gone to sleep quite a while ago. They trusted Al to watch Ed at least for a few hours, now that he was beginning to recover, though they would still take turns checking up on the eldest Elric during the night.

Al had offered to watch over his brother. That was one of the reasons Al had also offered to push Ed's wheelchair once his brother had gotten settled into it this morning. Even if it took a bit of practice to get the feel of it, Alphonse was happy to help. He didn't mention to anyone that he had offered to do these things so he would feel less useless in his clumsy new body.

"Maybe I should join too," Alphonse spoke up when there had been a lull in the conversation. "That way you wouldn't have to do it by yourself."

"No way," Ed was quick to say.

"And why not?" Al shot back just as quickly.

"Do you want to?"

"What?"

"Do you want to become a state alchemist?"

"N-no. I don't."

"And I don't want you to either. The risk is too dangerous, and I don't want anything to happen to you, okay?"

Alphonse grew quiet. This was the first time since they had committed the taboo that Ed was his old argumentative self. Al had missed it before, but now he remembered how frustrated it made him, and how worried he could get once his brother set his mind to something. "Brother, do you want to be a state alchemist?"

Ed shifted in his bed and stared at the dark ceiling. "Whether I want to or bot really isn't the point. What I really want is to get you back in your real body, no matter what it takes."

"Brother…maybe you should sleep on it. This, and the automail, it's just…it's a lot to take in all in one day."

"I'm doing it, Al. I'm not going to change my mind."

"But…I've heard automail surgery is really painful, and the automail itself takes a lot to maintain. You shouldn't have to go through all that, Brother."

"I'm going to do all I can to get you back to normal." Ed thought about the stories he had heard, how automail surgery was painful enough to make even grown men cry out. He was scared, if he was honest to himself. But he wouldn't let pain stop him, not when his little brother couldn't even feel that much. He would do whatever it took, even if it meant wading through a river of mud, as that Mustang man had said. Ed knew if this was the path he chose, he would go through hell, and he would, for Alphonse.

Al sighed, giving into his brother's stubbornness. "Just promise me, Ed, that if you do become a state alchemist, that we get your body back to normal too."

Ed's head fell to the side and he looked at his little brother. The armor was still difficult to look at, but now there was a small hope for returning to normalcy that made Al's steel body a little easier to look at. "Sure, Al," he said, slowly lifting up his good arm and tapping his fist lightly against Al's chest plate.

After all, they were brothers, and they did everything together. They _would_ both get their bodies back, and they would do it together.

* * *

**[A/N: Big thanks to ZilSepam for helping me with this chapter and giving me inspiration :)]**


	6. Chapter 6

"You ready, Ed?"

Ed nodded once. "Hm."

"Watch your step. Make sure to keep your balance. Just like we've practiced."

"I'm ready," he said patiently, but it was evident in his body language that Ed was eager. Three weeks of therapy had led up to this moment, and Ed was tired of needing help with the simplest tasks; he was done with the wheelchair, and he was prepared to finally walk on his own again.

Pinako finished adjusting Ed's prosthetic—a temporary one used for patients, like Ed, who were relearning how to walk and move their residual limbs. She stood and moved to her granddaughter's side.

Winry stood out of the way and off to the side, ready in case her assistance was needed. She wore a bandana over her hair, a baggy jumpsuit that covered her slight frame, and held a few metal tools in her gloved hands.

"Okay. Give it a try," Pinako said, pulling her pipe seemingly out of nowhere.

Ed pushed himself up off the couch and stood, like he had done plenty of times before in the past few weeks since the Lieutenant Colonel's visit. Ed wobbled for a moment but caught himself. He sucked in a breath, his hand tensing into a fist, then exhaled.

Standing was no longer a problem for Ed. Though the first few attempts had been beyond difficult—even if Ed wouldn't admit it. Standing on a leg that didn't match the weight of his other leg nor had the ability to feel the ground it stood on proved to be difficulty. But Ed had succeeded in an exceptionally short amount of time, driven by his new desire to join the military and get their old bodies back.

Ed lifted his leg, and his balance was immediately thrown off. Winry caught him by the underarm and Ed, embarrassed, placed his foot back down.

"Take your time," Pinako lectured.

Ed knit his eyebrows and nodded, that fiery determination beginning to burn in his gold eyes. Leaning slightly against Winry, he tried again. With his friend as his crutch, Ed was able to take a small, shakey step. But it was a step nonetheless.

He could see Winry smiling at him out of the corner of his eye, and couldn't help but give a small smile too.

Ed didn't waste any more time. He took another step, now with his other foot and successfully planted it firmly on the hardwood floor.

"I can do this," he told Winry. With an understanding nod, she slowly released her hold on his torso and stepped back slightly.

Ed raised his arm slightly, balancing himself, and he took a slow, halting step, his foot barely lifting from the ground. He took one more by himself before allowing himself to fall back down onto the other end of the couch.

Winry clapped her hands together encouragingly. "That was great, Ed."

Pinako pulled the piped from her lips with a slanted smile. "How did it feel?"

"Feels good to get back on my feet." Ed rubbed a hand tiredly across his forehead.

Pinako turned her head up to Alphonse, who had been a silent spectator to the whole thing. "Al, would you mind getting Your brother a glass of water?"

"Uh, sure," Alphonse said after the initial surprise that his presence had been acknowledged. The Rockbells' focus had been mainly on Ed for the past few weeks as they prepared him for automail surgery. Sometimes Al felt completely ignored, almost as if he was actually nothing more than just a suit of armor, standing in the corner.

"Thank you." She turned back to Ed, who was trying to catch his breath as if he had just gone out for a brisk jog. "How does your leg feel, does it hurt at all?"

Ed grunted in admission. His hand raised up to his shoulder. "Yeah, my arm a bit too."

Alphonse didn't hear Pinako's answer. Her voice had faded and was drowned out by the clanking of his footsteps as Al moved through the house and into the kitchen.

Al had spent much of his childhood in the Rockbell home and by now he knew every nook and cranny of the old house. Finding the cups was easy; they were stored in a cabinet above the sink that Al had always had difficulty reaching, until recently. He reached out, large hand fumbling to grasp onto the cabinet's small handle.

The small door swung open, and Al grabbed the first glass. There was an audible _crack_ as he grasped the glass and pulled it out. The sharp, sudden noise made Alphonse jump, and his gripped tightened harder on the glass, completely shattering it.

Al let out a sound of surprise as he watched the pieces of glass fall to the floor, only to shatter into smaller bits. "No," he said aloud.

He stared down at the mess on the floor, not knowing what to do. He was upset, mostly at himself. He was frustrated and embarrassed; Ed was healing and getting better and he was still fumbling around in this clumsy body. He couldn't even do these simple tasks without screwing them up. It was just another sad reminder of what had happened to this body.

Al felt that heavy feeling in his soul that he now associated with the need to cry now that he couldn't. He fell to his knees, even though he knew the metal would scruff up the floorboards if he wasn't gently enough.

He began scooping up the glass as quickly as he could, all the time cursing his inept self and this damn unfeeling body. He decided not to tell anyone about this. It would just make him feel even more ashamed of himself, knowing that they would take pity on him and his body.

"Al?"

Alphonse turned his head around and saw Winry. Half her body was hidden behind the threshold and her hand rested against the molding.

"Yeah?" he asked, trying to hide his worry with a casual tone. He knew his body very well hid the glass shards scattered across the kitchen floor.

Winry finally stepped in. "You were taking long so Granny sent me to check in on you." She walked in further, growing curious. She glanced down at Al's hands once they came into view. Winry's eyes grew wide as they traced the pieces of shattered glass. "What happened?"

"I dropped a glass on accident. I'll clean it up then get Brother's drink. I'm really sorry."

Winry smiled but her features were sad. "You don't have to apologize, Al. It was just a glass. Here, I'll help you." She walked to the other side of the kitchen and came back with a broom and dust pan. "This'll work a lot better than picking it up with your hands, okay?"

"Yeah." Al paused, looking down at the pieces on his opened palms. They looked so small and fragile in his large hands. Al stared down at the shards, willing himself to believe that maybe if he stared long enough, maybe he'd feel the weight of the glass in his hands.

"Al?" Winry cautiously walked closer, cocking her head to look into the face of Al's helmet. "Are you okay?"

He glanced up. "I'm fine, Winry. The glass can't cut me anyway."

Winry knelt down and occupied herself with sweeping up the residual glass. "I wasn't talking about the glass."

Al dropped the glass onto the dustpan. "I'm okay, really. I can take it from here, you can get Brother's drink. I don't really trust myself right now." He chuckled to make the seriousness and truth of the statement seem less severe.

Winry stared at him. Her blue eyes were penetrating. "Okay," she eventually said, unable to read Al's emotions behind the mask. And Al realized maybe that was one of the perks of his new body.

He rejoined Winry in the living room not long after she had left. She was sitting on the couch next to Ed, who was still in the same spot he had been in when Al had left. His prosthetic had been removed, and now he leaned back, tiredly taking sips of the water Winry had brought him, and talking to Pinako.

"So how much longer until I can start my automail surgery?"

Pinako blew out a puff of smoke. "You've still got about two weeks until you're completely healed. There's still plenty of time to change your mind, Edward."

Ed frowned. "I've already made up my mind. I don't care how painful the surgery is, I'll get through it." He looked up at Al, trying to see some sort of expression on his little brother's face, without prevail. "I don't care what it takes, I'm going to become a state alchemist. I need automail if I'm going to do that."

The Rockbell women frowned; Pinako seemed grim while Winry just looked frightened.

Al knew if he was still a boy, his expression would have been similar. His brother's dedication was endearing, but for some reason Ed's words did nothing but upset Al. His own brother joining the military, enduring all that pain to fix their mistake. And Al wasn't, and couldn't, do anything. He would never stop owing Ed, or stop feeling so useless, if Ed did all that to fix what they had both been a part of.

But he couldn't tell Ed that. Al didn't know how. And there was no way Ed would find out either, not when Al's face no longer held expression.

* * *

When Winry had gone into Edward's room in the middle of the night, she wasn't surprised to not find her armored friend sitting in there. It seemed now that Ed was getting better, Al spent less and less time in there with his brother once he had fallen asleep. Usually Al could be found in the darkness, doing aimless activities like sitting hunched up in a corner, or down at the end of the hall, just within ear shot of Edward's room, in case his brother needed him in the middle of the night.

Out of force of habit, after her check-up on Ed, Winry checked Al's usual spot at the end of the hall, looking for a glint of armor under the window. When she didn't see his bulky form, Winry frowned, growing worried.

She did a quick sweep of the house, keeping quiet not only to not wake her sleeping family, but also in case she could hear the clanking of Alphonse's body. Whenever he moved, it was very audible, but the difficult part was when Al didn't move, he was inhumanly silent.

"Al!" Winry yelled, giving up on staying quiet. It was apparent now that something was definitely wrong. She ran down the hall, looking into the workshop. "Al!"

Winry turned around when she heard footsteps. But it wasn't the clomping of an armor body, but instead a soft, shuffling patter.

"Winry?" Pinako appeared at the threshold, silhouetted by the light shining in from the hall. Without her glasses on, she squinted up at her granddaughter. "What's wrong?"

"Granny!" Winry was near tears with fright. "Al is gone."

* * *

Edward heard commotion but he was so lost in a half-consciousness that he wasn't alarmed. He heard the yelling of familiar voices with more clarity, and felt himself slowly regaining consciousness with each word.

Ed grunted, his groggy mind upset at having been woken up. He slowly opened his eyes up to the dark ceiling above him. _What was going on so late at night?_

"What?" said a voice down the hall that Ed figured was Pinako's. "Where has he gone to in the middle of the night like this?"

"I don't know!" replied a more panicked voice that was definitely Winry's.

There was a bit more conversation that Ed couldn't hear in his discombobulated state, followed by the clopping of shoes that slowly grew louder, and Ed's door burst open not a moment later.

Ed glanced up to see Winry, standing there, hand gripping onto the doorknob. A worried expression had taken over her facial features and her lips were pulled into a tight frown. Ed knew he should have been more concerned, but his mind wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep.

"Ed!" she yelled, hurrying into the room. "Edward, wake up!"

Ed grunted in reply, and looked up.

"Ed, Al's gone."

"What?"

"I-I don't know! He's not in the house, he's nowhere outside. Me and Granny are going to go out and look for him."

Ed grunted as he forced himself up with one arm. "I'm coming with you."

"You can't," Winry argued. "You're not healed enou—"

"Yes, I am! He's my brother. I'm going to find him." Ed clutched at his right shoulder and gritted his teeth. "Now help me with my leg."

Winry straightened up, and stared down at her friend, relenting. There was no point arguing with Edward Elric, not when his brother was involved.

* * *

The three stood outside the Rockbell home in a pool of light that came from the porch light.

Winry had her arm around Edward's back. Ed's good arm was across Winry's shoulders, and he leaned heavily against her.

"Just like before," Ed had said when Winry asked how he planned to move about.

"We'll find him faster if we split up." Pinako handed Winry a lit lantern. She looked down the pathway, which led into nothing but darkness. "Den is missing too. I'm sure they're together." When Pinako looked back at the kids she must have noticed the look on Ed's face because she reassuringly added, "We'll find him, Ed."

Edward's features hardened as he nodded, and they went their separate ways.

"Where do you think he is, Ed?"

"The Rain River."

Winry looked at him quizzically. "How do you know that?"

"Al always went there after we had a fight. Even when we were studying with our teacher he managed to find a riverbed to sulk by. If he's upset about something, that's where he would go."

Winry slowed. "What do you think is wrong with him?"

Ed paused. He squinted his eyes at the horizon, in the direction of the river. "I don't know. Let's go." He pulled her forward, ushering Winry along even if his whole body was aching. There was no time to waste.

Not much time passed before Ed's body began to protest, and Ed slowed down, trying to catch his breath.

Winry paused and turned to him. "Ed, maybe you should rest."

"No," Ed proclaimed, looking up from his shoulder. "I'm fine." He adjusted his grip on Winry's shoulders. "Let's hurry." He started off again at as brisk of a pace as he could manage, forcing Winry to follow in his steps.

"Al!" Ed began to call out as they neared the river. Winry joined in.

Ed squinted down at the water as the riverbed came into view. "There he is!" he shouted with relief. The two came to a stop as Al, who was a few yards down, sitting by the water's edge, turned around and stood up at the sight of his friend and brother.

"Brother, Winry," he said, surprised to see them standing at the top of the gully.

Ed finally allowed himself to smile. "I was worried," he said in between breaths.

Alphonse looked down. "You don't have to worry. I can't get hurt in this body…"

"You idiot!" Ed yelled. "That's not—"

Ed let out a cry, which he cut off quickly with gritted teeth. He bent over, hand against his shoulder, as if that would somehow make the pain better.

"Ed!" Winry yelled.

"Brother!"

Winry placed her hands gently on Ed, examining his shoulder, while Al ran up the incline to where his brother and friend stood.

"Look, Brother, your right arm is hurting again," Al said. "Just leave me alone, I—"

"It doesn't hurt!" Ed struggled to look up at his brother. "Compared to what happened to your body…this doesn't hurt at all."

The three fell into a silence only interrupted by Ed's quiet whimpering as he willed the pain to ebb away.

Alphonse sighed and looked down at the ground. He felt like an idiot. He was embarrassed, upset at himself, for making his family worry enough to come chasing after him in the middle of the night. He should have known they would come looking for him, when all he wanted was to be alone.

But as soon as he saw Ed and Winry's worried faces, he no longer wanted to be by himself at that moment. He just wanted to be back home.

Winry released her loose grip on Edward and cautiously walked up to Al, staring up at his helmet the entire time. She took one of his large hands in both of hers, tightly gripping it to herself. "Al," she said, tears in her eyes. "Let's go home…let's go home together."

"Okay," Al agreed. "I'm sorry."

* * *

**[A/N: whoooa this one turned out a lot longer than I anticipated, again! But I realized not to continue this chapter and make it super long and write all that I had intended too, and instead just write the rest of this chapter in the next one since I think it will actually fit better with what was supposed to be next ^^]**


	7. Chapter 7

There was a collective hum as the two eleven year olds stared up at the seven foot tall suit of armor. They wore the same look upon their faces, though Edward's was much more severe. Al swore his brother was about to pop a blood vessel from concentrating so hard.

"Uh—" The moment Alphonse spoke up his brother's hand shot up, waving away his words.

"Wait! Wait! Wait! I figured it out!" Ed shouted. "Right now you're thinking 'Hurry up and let me go.'"

"What? No way!" Winry argued.

Alphonse quickly interrupted what was about to become an argument. "Uh, it's alright. You two don't have to force yourselves…" He pointed to this helmet. "This is an expressionless mask. There's no way you could figure out what I'm thinking."

"No!" Ed yelled back without hesitation. "I can figure it out!"

"Even if you have no expression, you're still the same Al," Winry added.

"We'll figure it out, Al. You'll see!"

Alphonse didn't answer, silently touched that Ed and Winry would go through all the trouble to figure out his emotions, even if he knew their attempts were futile. He still felt guilty for leaving the house without telling anyone, he had just wanted to be alone, and, Al admitted, sulk in his own self-pity. But his friends didn't seem to mind.

Now that everyone was back home and safe, Ed and Winry were back to their normal selves, arguing and passionate, the same as always. It made Al happy to know no matter how much things changed, some things would always stay the same.

Edward suddenly jumped up, pointing a finger directly in Al's face. "Ah-ha! I've got it! Right now you're fed up with us! Right?"

Al just sighed, moving slightly away from his brother's prodding finger.

Winry jumped up beside Ed. "Then you're angry!" she guessed.

"Nope. Both of you are wrong."

The two fell back onto the couch.

"You guys couldn't figure out my emotions at all."

Winry looked down, deflated. She frowned sadly at her friend. Edward on the other hand was pouting, staring up at his brother; sweat was practically forming on his face as he tried to figure out just what his brother was thinking.

Pinako came in then, carrying a tray with two mugs of hot tea in them. She wore a deep frown, having heard the entire conversation. She said nothing about it however, instead she straightened up once Ed and Winry had taken a mug each and she said, "As soon as you've finished, I want you two back in bed. You both need your rest."

The two kids nodded, and Pinako exited the room, gently tapping a hand against Al's armor as she passed.

Edward and Winry didn't stay awake much longer after that. The tea had made them both sleepy, and walking around had exhausted Ed into a deep sleep.

Alphonse found himself alone once again. The house seemed so quiet, so empty, as it always did at this time of night. But this time it didn't seem as bad. The silence wasn't smothering him, it calmed him now. He was content, at least for tonight, with Ed and Winry's determined faces still fresh in his mind.

The creaking of floorboards made Al look up. He saw the soft orange glow of a lit lantern in the darkness, followed by Winry's small figure.

She stopped a few feet before her friend and just stared at him, a thoughtful look on her face.

Finally it was Al who broke the silence. "What are you doing up?" he said in a hushed tone. "Are you checking up on Brother?"

Winry shook her head, her blond hair glistened in the lantern's glow. She took a few steps closer until she stood directly before the suit of armor. "You were happy, weren't you, Al?"

"What?"

"When Ed and I couldn't figure out you emotions. You weren't angry or upset, you were happy."

"Oh," Al said, pulling his knees in closer. "Yeah. I was."

Winry didn't respond, but her eyes seemed to soften in the yellow light.

"I was happy that you and Brother cared enough to try and figure it out, even if neither of you could. It made me feel a little less lonely for once. Thanks, Winry."

Winry frowned slightly. Her eyes examined Al's armor. "You've been having a hard time adjusting, haven't you?"

"Yeah," Alphonse admitted. "It's pretty hard getting used to a body that doesn't feel."

"I can tell. Granny and I have been so busy helping Ed, I didn't realize you might need our help too, Al."

Alphonse began to spoke up, to brush off his friend's words. It was true that Ed was getting a lot of the Rockbells' attention. But Al knew that his brother was still in a lot of pain and still in need of a lot of help, while Al knew he'd be able to get used to this body eventually, it would just take time.

But Winry continued. "I'm supposed to be asleep since tomorrow Granny wants me to begin working on Ed's arm. But I think this is more important." Winry reached out her free hand to Al, palm up and inviting.

Al raised his hand, hesitating as it reached Winry's small fingers. "Why?"

"Because Ed's not the only one that needs my help right now."

"I'm fine on my own," Al said, but he placed his hand against Winry's anyway.

"Grip it."

"I don't want to hurt you…"

"You won't, I promise. Just," Winry paused, deciding how to word her next sentence. "Just imagine it _is _your hand. Imagine what it was always like, to take someone's hand. Try to remember."

Alphonse squeezed his hand around his friend's. It wasn't the firm grip Winry had always associated with Alphonse when he was still a young and passionate child. It was weak and hesitant, but it was an attempt, and that contented Winry, at least for now.

Al stood as Winry tugged at his hand, and he wordlessly followed her to the kitchen. Winry let her fingers slip from Al's grip as they entered the room, and Al's arm fell listlessly at his side as Winry crossed the kitchen floor in the dim glow of the lantern she still carried.

She placed the handle in her mouth, gripping it tightly between her teeth as she pulled a chair up to the counter and stood atop it.

"Uh, Winry?" Al took another step into the room.

When his friend turned around, he could see in the dim yellow light the armful of glasses she now held. She didn't answer, lest the lantern would fall from its hold; but her eyes spoke enough, silencing Al's question.

Winry stepped down ungracefully from the chair and each glass made a harmonic sound as she placed them down on the wooden table.

"We're going to stay here until you get this right, Al," Winry said, placing the lantern down beside the glasses and looking up at her young friend.

"Uh, I don't really think that's a good idea. I can't do it, Winry. I don't want to ruin anything else."

"Alphonse Elric, that glass was not the first time you haven't been able to control that body. You've been scuffing up our floors, you broke off a doorknob a few weeks ago, not to mention you hurt Den the first time you tried to pet her."

Al reeled back at Winry's hard voice. He knew there were other things Winry hadn't listed; thinking about it all just made him feel even more hopeless, like he'd never adjust to this new body.

Winry frowned sadly, her voice softening. "Those things are going to keep happening unless you face it, Al. And if you won't do it for me…do it for Ed."

Al's helmet lifted. He sighed at the resolve on Winry's face. "Fine. Just once."

Winry smiled and they sat down across from each other at the kitchen table. Winry slide a glass across the glossy surface to Al. It stopped, clanking against Al's armored hand.

Alphonse reached out, cupping his hand. His fingers were an inch from the glass' surface, mimicking its shape. They curled around the cup. Alphonse was sure his grip was correct, but as he lifted his hand, the glass stayed still on the table, untouched by Al's hand.

"It was a good try," Winry voiced encouragingly. Al looked up from the cup when Winry spoke. Her arms were crossed on the table top and her chin rested upon them. Her eyelids seemed to be growing heavy even if her voice had been excited; it occurred to Alphonse that it must have been close to three in the morning. "Try again. Just grip it more tightly."

The same thing happened once, twice more. Al's fear of breaking another glass, especially this deep into the night, kept him from gripping the glass as tightly as he had before. But on the third try, he was growing dejected.

In an act of frustration, he grabbed the glass swiftly in one hand and lifted it up, hearing the crack in the glass immediately.

Al sighed, disappointed. He placed the damaged glass back down and looked over at Winry, realizing she had abandoned her words of encouragement long ago.

Her cheek was resting against her pale arm and her eyelids were lightly closed shut. Her hair was sprawled across the table, looking golden in the lantern's lighting, and her breaths came in regular little puffs of air.

Al shook his head, happier than he had been moments ago as he looked at how calm Winry looked in sleep.

He contemplated taking Winry to her bed. Al knew the table wasn't a very comfortable place to sleep and Winry would wake up sore, which wouldn't be any good considering she would need her strength and a keen mind if she were to start construction on Ed's automail arm tomorrow.

But the current state of his body, even now that he _could_ carry her, made Alphonse hesitate. If he couldn't even pick up a glass, how could he pick up a girl?

But this couldn't be as hard as lifting a glass, right? That required having the correct grip of a hand, while this could be done with Winry cradled in his arms, against his chest. And Winry was surely not as fragile as glass. That didn't mean he was okay with hurting or dropping his friend, either.

Al sat, staring at Winry, hoping that maybe she would wake up, but she remained still.

In the end, it was the chronic hero syndrome that won over and Alphonse stood. After all, he _had_ carried Ed before, hadn't he? That proved that he could do this.

Somehow, that dark reminder gave Al confidence and he pulled Winry into his arms, lifting her easily.

She snuggled into his chestplate even though Al knew it must have been cold. He slowly began walking. There was no running, no blood or panicking, like there had been when he had carried Ed. This was calming, it was innocent and fundamentally beautiful; Al didn't feel alone at that moment, even if he was the only conscious soul around.

He climbed the stairs slowly. He knew them well from all his time spent at the Rockbells' home during his youth, but not being able to feel them, and especially in the dark, proved to make things more difficult.

But Al prevailed, and he gently placed Winry in her bed without her waking up once. Al pulled the blanket up to her chin and left. He slowly closed the door behind him, feeling a lot better about everything.

If he had been able to do this one simple act, if he was able to help a friend, then he was certain, in time, he could do anything, even in this body.


	8. Chapter 8

Alphonse always stayed in his brother's room until Ed fell into an exhausted sleep. Then Al took it upon himself to occupy his restless mind, lest unnecessary thoughts would worm their way into his nonexistent brain. But as soon as Al heard his brother waking up, or having yet another nightmare, he would immediately be at Ed's side, doing whatever he could; Al never drifted far from Ed's room during the night.

But during the past week, Ed seemed to be sleeping less and less, forcing Al to stay in his room for longer every night, trying to coax Ed into sleep. Ed said he didn't mind falling asleep alone, telling Al to go do whatever it was he usually did during the nights; but the relief was obvious on his face when Alphonse would refuse the offer.

They occupied the time that stretched sometimes in to the wee hours of the morning with hushed conversations or sometimes complete silence. Talking about the future made them both feel uneasy and uncertain, the past was painful from both longing for their childhood and days with their mother, and also regret and fear from the failed transmutation. Which only left the present, which, with Ed's upcoming surgery, was no easier to talk about.

"Are you scared, Brother?" Al spoke quietly after a good half hour of silence. Ed didn't seem tired at all; his eyelids weren't drooping in the slightest even though the clock read quarter to midnight.

"Yeah," Ed admitted in a hollow voice. His eyes stayed focused on the ceiling. At this point, he wasn't even trying to act noble and unafraid. The fear of his surgery, which would begin in just a few hours, had Ed scared stiff. He had been so eager at first when the idea of automail had entered his mind; it gave him a chance to redeem himself, get Al's body back, and begin to take his life back. But now Ed was beginning to regret his decision, though his rational side knew that was just the nerves talking.

How badly would it hurt? What if he couldn't handle the pain? What if it made him even more vulnerable, even more pathetic looking than he already was? He wasn't ready to be seen that way by anyone, especially Alphonse.

"Brother, please try to sleep."

Ed rolled over to face his brother. "'M not tired," he mumbled. His shoulder had healed well, and he could now lie on it without discomfort. After tomorrow however, Ed thought, the pain would be back with a vengeance, wouldn't it? "Besides," Ed began, "They're gonna knock me out tomorrow for the surgery anyway."

Pinako had gone through the whole procedure many times with Ed, just to make sure he knew exactly what he was getting himself into. It was obvious the old woman was hesitant about fitting Ed with automail, even if she wouldn't voice her opinion aloud. She supported him with everything he did nonetheless.

Tomorrow would be the only day Ed would be unconscious during the entire three day long surgery. The first day involved installing the bare mechanisms to Ed's shoulder and leg. The thought of his bones being drilled into made Ed shiver, but he knew it was necessary. The ports and limbs were heavy, they would need to be anchored securely to Ed's body.

The next day was when that infamous pain came into play, with each nerve being attached to wires which would then be fed into the mechanism. Ed would be fully conscious for the whole thing, just to make sure he his nerves reacted correctly. Reacted to _pain_ correctly, Ed thought bitterly whenever his mind drifted to the thought of surgery, which was very often.

The third and finally day was when the wires were attached to the ports and the outer casings were fixed on. He wouldn't even be getting actual limbs attached for quite a while.

And the entire time, Alphonse would be kept far away. When Pinako first mentioned this, Alphonse had gotten upset, arguing that he needed to be with Ed. _He_ had been the one comforting Ed during the night, he should be there at his brother's worst. But Pinako was a rock, calmly telling him that Edward needed a sterile environment; and Ed had gladly agreed with her, silently happy, knowing then his younger brother wouldn't have to see him in such a horrible and weak state.

Ed felt a lump in his throat. He hadn't been this scared since the night they had tried to bring their mom back, when Al had almost been lost from this world forever. Ed swallowed, trying the force the lump away without success.

He needed some way to get his mind off this damn surgery.

Ed quickly, shakily sucked in a breath of air. "Al," he exhaled quietly.

"Yeah?" Al asked, curiously. Ed could tell by his voice that Al thought he had finally fallen asleep.

"Would you…um, will you read to me?"

"You want me to read to you?"

Ed nodded with his head on the pillow. "Hm." Then he quietly added, "Like Mom used to?" Ed had memories of being sick, or when he was just a toddler and still afraid of thunderstorms, and his mother would comfort him, reading him tales from a selection of books until Ed fell back to sleep, lulled by her soothing words. Ed knew Al shared those memories as well.

"Of course." Al stood. "Um. I guess I'll go try to find something."

Ed nodded and Alphonse left, his metal feet clanking softly against the wooden floor.

He heard Alphonse return a few minutes later, and looked up to see Al sheepishly walking back over to his spot at Ed's bedside, a book in hand. He held it out so Ed could read the title.

"_Ancient Myths?" _Ed asked, falling back onto his pillow.

"Sorry, it was all I could find. It was either this or medical textbooks." The brothers silently agreed that was best to be avoided. Reading about surgeries, conditions and medical jargon would just worsen Ed's anxiety about the coming day.

Ed grunted softly, telling Al to proceed.

Al flipped open the pages of the old but seemingly unused book and began.

For hours, the brothers read tales of invincible heroes and captured heroines. Ugly monsters, good triumphing evil, and sometimes not.

By the time Al had read through half the book, Ed felt himself beginning to grow drowsy, and the stories began to bleed into each other.

"Daedalus was an architect, sculpture, and inventor," Alphonse read, turning a page. His voice never tired, nor did he ever need to pause to catch his breath or take a sip of water. "However, he grew jealous of another inventor and killed him in a fit of envy. For this crime, Daedalus was exiled and ordered to serve under King Minos. During his long imprisonment, Daedalus eventually had a son, Icarus."

Ed felt his eyes closing and he did nothing to stop them. Al's voice was soft and soothing, helping to further relax Ed's tired mind.

"Daedalus eventually conceived a plan of escape. Being the inventor he was, he constructed a pair of wings for him and his son Icarus, using feathers and wax. As they prepared for their escape, Daedalus warned Icarus not to fly too low for fear that his wings would get wet from the sea's waves. Likewise, he couldn't fly too high either, or else the sun would melt his wax wings.

"But Icarus, overwhelmed by the thrill of flying, and with a desire to go where no human had ever gone before and touch the heavens, didn't heed his father's warnings, and he flew too close to the sun. His wax wings melted in the heat and Icarus fell into the sea."

Alphonse stopped and looked up from the book to make sure his brother was still listening. He was met with Ed's peculiar gaze. Ed's golden eyes were open and his eyebrows were furrowed in deep thought.

"What?" Al asked.

"That's how the story ends?"

"Oh." Alphonse flipped to the next page, quickly skimming its content. "Yeah. He fell into the sea and died. His body was found on an uninhabited island, which they then named in his honor. Why?"

Ed's lips pursed, thinking. "No reason," he muttered before turning over and pulling the blanket up to his cheek. Finally Ed closed his eyes to welcome sleep, preparing himself for when he would have to wake up to.

* * *

**[A/N: I actually didn't plan on writing this until earlier this week when I heard the song Icarus by The Hours, and I suddenly wanted to write about Ed and the whole "hero that flew too close to the sun" allusion. I'm a huge Greek myth fan so I always loved that Ed made that reference. I had a lot of fun elaborating on it while writing this bonus chapter, and I think it came out well! Hope my memory of the myth is accurate enough. Brings me back to my Percy Jackson days (ehh who am I kidding? I'm still not over my Percy Jackson days, I'm going to see The Sea of Monsters while wearing my Camp Half-Blood t-shirt and no one can stop me ;D)**

**Automail surgery in the next chapter, who's excited? *laughs nervously*]**


	9. Chapter 9

Edward awoke to a room dark from drawn curtains. His eyes immediately shut as tunnel vision made his stomach do flips. His head turned violently, trying to get the sudden dizziness to stop. That only caused a pull at his shoulder, and a pressure grew under his bandages.

Edward stopped immediately. He thought he was going to get sick as he remembered the bare automail parts that were now attached to his leg and shoulder.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed since the surgery. He was afraid to move his body lest he upset the metal in his limbs.

A sort of panic set into his stomach as he realized just what had happened today. He had begun his automail surgery. _He now had automail attached to his limbs. _Dread shot through his weak body as Ed realized there was no turning back now. And that was all Ed wanted to do now.

Suddenly as he lied there in bed, body weak and mind spacy, Ed wanted to stop everything. The thought of metal under his skin, leeching onto his limbs was scaring him beyond belief.

His mind was working in overdrive even through the heavy medications he was on. He felt his heart was about to beat through his chest. Even though Ed had been scared stiff for his surgery to begin, it was somehow even worse than he had anticipated.

While Ed felt no pain—he had been knocked out for the entirety of the surgery and Pinako had made sure he was on enough painkillers now to keep him in a completely numb state—it was the psychological factor that Ed hadn't accounted for that was taking its toll.

He felt nothing but a slight pressure and a bit of discomfort where the inner ports had been installed, attached to skin and bones. But his mind wouldn't wander from the thought that _there was metal attached to his body. _There were foreign machines latched onto his limbs now, and they were permanent.

There was no going back now. That terrified Ed more than he was willing to admit. He wanted to give up then and there, he wanted to just sit back and give in to everything but that was impossible now. The surgery had begun and there was nothing to do but push forward.

Ed heard himself whimper.

He could feel the metal under his skin. He wouldn't dare let himself move an inch, he wouldn't even open his eyes, even if both his arm and leg were wrapped in heavy bandages.

It seemed like it would always feel like this from now on. How was he supposed to go on with his life if he was already _this_ uncomfortable with his automail?

His calmer side rationalized that he was just hypersensitive to the metal since it was so foreign and new to his body. But that didn't mean he had to like it.

Ed felt his chest tighten at the on slot of tears. He bit at his lip. No. _No. _ He wouldn't let them fall. Not when he was trying to stay so strong, not when his little brother couldn't cry as well.

The tears stayed put for now, leaving Ed to lie there in bed, wallowing in pity for himself, mulling over the day.

_One year._

The words came with a new clarity as Edward remembered his vow. How he had told Pinako he would be back on his feet, ready to get their bodies back in just one year.

Ed suddenly regretted the words. But he couldn't back out now, not when he had promised Al. He couldn't make his little brother wait the designated three years, Ed would never force Al to wait that long, even if this meant compromising his own well-being.

But as Ed lied there, he contemplated if he would even be able to do it in one year. The way things were going, that seemed like an impossible and childish dream.

The dread of tomorrow's pain aside, there was still the possibility of Ed's body completely rejecting the automail. Pinako said Ed seemed to be fairing well so far, but there was still a chance of rejection, especially during the nerve connection phase of the surgery. If that were to happen, Ed wasn't sure what would happen to him.

He pushed the thought far from his mind. He sucked in as deep a breath as he dared before sighing and closing his eyes. He lied as still as he could, keeping his mind as clam as he could, and let the drugs work their magic.

* * *

Edward hadn't realized he had fallen back to sleep until the slow creaking of the door opening awoke him.  
It was definitely night now, judging by the darkness of the room.

He felt icy hot if that were possible, and a thin layer of sweat had broken out on his skin.

Ed felt his heart skip a beat, suddenly worried that his automail was being rejected, considering how miserable he felt.

His stomach did a flip and the urge to get sick returned.

Ed felt his body shake slightly, and he fought down the urge.

His concentration was interrupted by a familiar voice. and Ed was suddenly glad for the distraction. And that he was no longer alone.

"Sorry," Winry whispered, approaching the bed on her tiptoes. "I didn't mean to wake you." Ed noticed now as Winry stepped closer, and into a sliver of moonlight coming in from the window, that she was carrying something in her arms. "Granny sent me in to place these on your shoulder and leg. They'll help soothe any discomfort."

Ed's stomach burned and a lump was growing in his throat, but he looked up at Winry intently, seeing that she held what looked like nothing more than two folded cloths in her arms.

Winry got down on her knees, the front of her pajamas brushes against Ed's bed. "She also said I need to learn how to take care of people during their automail surgeries if I ever want to be an engineer." She smiled smally, its usual jubilation but there was a hint of sadness as well. "Looks like you're my first patient." Then after a quick pause, she added with a quiet laugh, "Besides Den."

Ed's lips formed a semblance of a smile but it wasn't in him to grin fully for his friend.

Winry didn't seem to notice. Instead she shifted on the hard floor and asked, "How's the pain?"

"There isn't any," Ed croaked in response.

"Good. There shouldn't be any at this stage."

"Right. That doesn't come until tomorrow," Ed said, not realizing he had actually spoke the words aloud, not until Winry's features turned grim.

She didn't deny it the way Ed's unrealistic half had hoped, instead she reassuringly said, "Don't worry about that now, Ed. Granny and I will be with you the whole time."

Ed's eyes drifted away. "How's Al?" he said after a moment of uncomfortable quiet.

Winry pondered for a minute. "He's fine. Worried out of his mind of course, but we've got him occupied with taking care of Den while Granny and I are busy with you. Told him he should still be working on getting used to that body, to keep his mind off all of this."

"Hmm," Ed hummed in response.

Winry sat up, holding up the cloths. "Now let's put these on."

As soon as Winry pulled Ed's blanket away, he couldn't help but look down at his shoulder. It was wrapped in bandages, white and crisp and clean. Ed wasn't sure what had he expected but still his heart raced.

His stomach burned as his emotions rose, looking down at nothing more than those simple bandages. The sensation traveled to his throat, and Winry must have sensed something was wrong because her face pinched together with concern.

"Ed?"

Edward pushed himself up, ignoring the discomfort in this shoulder, doubling over as he felt the burning sensation growing, moving up to the back of his throat. Ed gagged once before Winry jumped back, and he found himself vomiting, aiming, fortunately, at the trash bin that had been placed there in anticipation of this.

Ed choked and coughed, throwing up his stomach's contents, reminding him just how much he hated being sick or injured and anything medical-related.

He hadn't even eaten before or after the surgery, and his throat was scorched by stomach acids as they came up.

His skin flared up, burning and sweating as Ed, bending over further, expelled the vile liquids. He couldn't stop himself regardless of how desperately hard he tried.

He didn't think he had ever felt so helpless, so pathetic. It was only the first day of the surgery, and Ed had already been reduced to this weak and unstable state.

He was over aware that Winry was still right there, watching, and her presence became even more known when she gently placed her hand on Ed's shaking back, rubbing his good shoulder blade with slow circles.

Ed coughed a rough barky cough and spit as the spell came to an end. His breath was coming in ragged breaths and his entire body heaved as he forced his lungs to work again.

Once it seemed Ed's stomach has settled down he slumped, exhausted, his forehead resting against Winry's shoulder. He coughed once more, the sound mixing with a miserable sob that Ed couldn't help but make.

Winry's hand moved silently up to the crown of Ed's head as her friend shook quietly, gasping and on the verge of crying. Her fingers slid calmly through his hair, which was beginning to grow unruly, in a motion that she hoped was a comfort.

She was surprised that Ed not only didn't move away from her touch, but he seemed to almost nestle into it, welcoming it. It was odd; she had never been this intimate with Ed. Strong, stubborn Edward, who would shove her away at any sign of unwanted physical contact, who would brush her off with a snide retort for being too emotional.

Surely this wasn't the same Ed she had known all her life. This boy seemed too broken, too small and fragile to be her Edward. But his touch was still the same, his voice was still familiar as he tried to hold back a cry.

Somehow that didn't bring Winry any comfort.

And Ed couldn't believe himself. He was glad Al wasn't there to see him like this. He wanted to apologize to Winry. Apologize for being so helpless, unable to handle the surgery this early into the process. But he couldn't bring himself to say those words. He didn't want to acknowledge what had happened, didn't want to bring up how weak he truly was.

Winry began to speak, halting any of Ed's thoughts of actually apologizing. "It's okay, Ed," she cooed, running her fingers through his golden hair, even though it was tangled and dirty. Her fingernails were short and chipped; they scraped gently against his scalp.

Ed's voice was rough and ragged with his throat still sore. He settled for muttering into Winry's soft shoulder. "I can't do this."

"You don't mean that," Winry said, her voice more resolute now.

Ed shook his head against his friend's shoulder. His oncoming words were cut off with another bough of coughs, and Winry took his shoulder and pushed him up.

Ed collapsed back onto his bed once he had quieted. He rubbed a hand roughly against his face before blinking his eyes back open. He avoided Winry's gaze as she stared down at him, a look of sorrow evident in her eyes.

Nothing came to mind for her to say. What could she say to Ed that would make this better? Nothing, she thought. There was no reason to hide the truth from him and the truth was that no kind words would make this situation any better. Was there something she _should_ say? Something comforting? But Winry quickly dismissed that idea.

Ed wasn't stupid. He would see right through her lies and words of fake hope, especially in this desolate state he was in.

She wished Pinako had been there. She was always calm and collected, always knew what to say when it came to despairing patients.

But Pinako wasn't there, and it was up to Winry now. So she did what she thought was right. She did the only thing she could think of.

Winry placed her both her hands on Edward's cheeks, inadvertently forcing him to look at her. His eyes grew slightly wider, as if he was afraid to look her straight in the eye.

His skin was cold and clammy with sweat, yet his cheeks felt warm from a heat flash. The sensation was odd, off-putting, but Winry's hands stayed firm.

"Edward," she said seriously, not knowing exactly what to say until the words came spilling out of her mouth. "There's nothing I can say that will make this any better. But if there's one thing I'm certain of, it's that you are the strongest person I know. And I know you will get through this. You've never given up before, so don't let this stop you. Think of Al, think of the promises you made to him. You can do this. I know you can."

Ed remained silent. His golden eyes were misty, more so than before. They examined her face, possibly looking for sincerity. He swallowed, and his eyes flicked away. "You're right," he eventually murmured, eyes lowering. "I promised Al."

"Right." Winry smiled slightly. "You'll get back to normal someday too."

When Ed didn't make a move to respond, Winry hesitant leaned down. His skin seemed to be radiating heat Winry noticed as she drew near. She placed her lips to his skin, lightly kissing his forehead.

Winry drew back, ignoring the surprised and slightly confused look on Ed's tired face.

"Now let's get back to work," she simply stated. Winry placed a warm cloth against Ed's shoulder and he involuntarily sighed with relief as the cloth made contact with his bandaged skin. She did the same for his leg, then pulled the blanket back up to Ed's chin without a word.

Winry made no move to leave. She would surely regret that in the morning, but she could sense Ed's fear of being alone tonight, even if he wouldn't voice that fear out loud. No matter how weak or feeble he got, Winry knew he would try to hold onto his pride no matter what.

So, without a word, she rested her head against Ed's mattress and took his hand in hers. Ed didn't protest. In fact, Winry could see the almost imperceptible smile of appreciation on his lips before he allowed his eyes to close.

Winry realized as she watched her friend just how heavy her eyelids were beginning to feel. She closed her eyes, and slowly drifted to sleep, her hand never leaving Ed's.


	10. Chapter 10

"Are you ready?"

"Uh—yeah."

Pinako stopped then turned to Edward. "You know there's no turning back once we begin, Ed."

"I know."

Edward had passed the point of no return long ago, he knew. There was nothing more than to push forward now. He may be Icarus, he may have let himself fly too close to the heavens, he may have crashed back down to Earth, but he wouldn't stay there. He would wade through the melted wax and the burns and the pain and he would come back stronger and wiser and ready to get Al's body back.

He had no other choice.

Pinako began explaining the procedure once again as she began pulling out medical utensils. They clanged against each other and Edward couldn't suppress a wince. He hated anything doctor-related and looking at those objects, knowing he wouldn't even be sedated, was like a nightmare turned into reality.

Red and blue wires had been set up in the room, ready to be attached to his nerves. Ed eyed them warily as Pinako picked them up, paused to give Ed a sympathetic expression then said, "Then let's get this over with."

The pain was immediate. A sharp pain shot from where nerve connected with wire, making Ed's body writhe, pulling away from the source.

He bit his tongue hard to keep from crying aloud and soon was met with the taste of blood.

Winry held him gently by the shoulders and Ed stilled, realizing just how much he had been squirming.

Another shot of pain and Ed whimpered. He felt a scream bubbling up in his throat, building until he didn't think he could hold it any longer, but Ed refused to allow himself to scream. It was certain if he were to let out the shriek building up inside him, Al would hear. Ed couldn't let that happen, he couldn't let his little brother know just how weak he was.

Ed's head snapped away from the pain; he bit down on his lip, digging his chin into his left shoulder.

He registered that Winry was talking, her voice trying to stay calm and reassuring but another shot of pain and Ed suddenly couldn't even hear her words.

He slammed the ball of his right foot down, banging it again until the pain passed, making utensils on a nearby table jump, and most likely leaving a bruise on his foot.

That was nothing compared to the unrelenting pain in his shoulder. Ed could do nothing; his mind was a white blaze of disconnected thoughts and shocks of fear and pain. His chest was heaving as he sucked in huge breaths, trying to calm his shaking body.

The torment of each nerve being connected slowly, agonizingly, to wires seemed to go on for hours, days, Ed had lost all track of time.

Sometime his foggy mind registered that the pain was now coming from his left leg, and in a dreamlike state, he remembered hearing Pinako telling him they had finished his arm and were moving on to the next limb.

His body was recoiling again, fighting the pain. Ed's hand shot up to his face, the heel of his hand digging into his eye, his fingers grasping at his sweat-dampened hair. Ed's teeth had been clenched so long he was beginning to feel a sore, tightness in his jaw. His hand fell back limply to his side, taking a few strands of hair with it.

His shaking grew and Ed only felt the burning sensation in his stomach for a moment before he found himself bent over, vomiting once again, over the side of the bed. He coughed and spat, noting the blood mixed in.

He knew he should've been scared by the thought, but his mind was too exhausted to think and he slumped back against the bed just before squiggly black splotches overtook his vision and he passed out.

* * *

Ed stirred at the touch of a cold cloth repeated being dabbed gently across his face.

The pain was the next thing his cloudy mind registered. His muscles were sore all over from such violent shaking but the two worst places were his left leg and right shoulder which both burned with a dull ache that throbbed with every beat of his heart. His mouth was dry and there was a terrible taste on his tongue that made Ed gag.

He coughed and sputtered, and the cloth was removed, replaced by a soft voice tinged with worry.

"Ed?"

Edward moaned and his eyes opened to the view of the Rockbell women leaning over him on either sides of the bed.

Winry's eyes were wide, her eyebrows pulled tight with worry; Pinako's mouth was set in a deep frown.

Ed tried to speak, tried to ask what had gone wrong, how long had he been unconscious, but the words caught in his sore and dry throat.

"You haven't been out for long," Winry asked somehow reading the question in his eyes.

"Ed," Pinako began before he could respond, "at this point, we have to keep going. Are you sure you're alright?"

Ed forced himself to nod. "I'm fine," he choked out. He cleared his throat roughly then said, "Go ahead."

Pinako moved away and as Ed watched her he caught something out to the corner of his eye. He glanced down to his shoulder, realizing his limbs had been connected to some sort of foreign machine.

His heart pounded in his chest. Out of all the times Pinako had gone over this entire operation, Ed couldn't remember her ever mentioning a machine that looked so malicious.

Tube-like wires connected his ports to the bedside machine. He rationalized that they must have hooked him up while he was unconscious.

"This is to make sure the wires were connected properly and will function," Pinako said, her fingers tracing buttons on the side of the machine that Ed couldn't see. "Once I turn this on, you'll feel some discomfort."

Ed nodded once in affirmation. "Go ahead, Granny."

Pinako gave him one last grim look before flipping a switch.

The reaction was immediate. At first it came as a tingling sensation, slowly crawling its way from the wires, down into Ed's body.

Ed squirmed involuntarily at the feeling. It was uncomfortable, but he was glad it was nothing close to what he had experienced before.

His gaze turned to Winry when he felt the light pressure of her hand on his shoulder. He looked up to find her gazing down at him, blatantly worried.

Edward heard another click from the machine and the feeling grew more intense, evolving into a burning sensation.

Ed made a noise of worry without even realizing as the feeling grew.

Winry folded up the moist cloth still in her hands and calmly placed it over Ed's eyes. It seemed a bit unconventional, but Ed had to admit it brought him a bit of comfort. But it couldn't help him ignore the next click or the feeling in his limbs as grew to borderline pain.

It was still bearable, but the memory of the pain from before left Ed terrified.

His chest heaved as he gulped in a breath of air, trying to keep himself calm but succeeding in doing almost the opposite. Droplets of sweat were appearing across his exposed skin and under his thin layer of clothing.

Ed bit at his lip as the sensation grew worse. He bit harder until the pain took his mind off his limbs, if only for a second.

He knew he must have looked so weak, so vulnerable then, not even able to handle a little discomfort, and that made it worse. The Rockbells said nothing as this went on, though Ed could feel Winry's presence still at his side.

The urge to scream arose again, but Ed fought it down. Instead, panting, he blurted out, "Where's Al?"

Winry took a moment to answer, taken aback by such an out of place question. "He's fine, Ed," she answered reassuringly. "Just worry about yourself right now."

"He hates me," Ed burst out, unable to hide the way his voice cracked.

"That's not true, Ed!"

"No, it's all my fault that he lost his body." His voice grew thick; he grabbed a fistful of the bed sheets as another wave of pain came on. "He can't eat anymore, he can't sleep, he can't feel cold or warmth. He's my little brother and I was supposed to protected him and I did _this."_ Ed's words shook and he knew tears weren't far off.

As hard as he had fought to keep the tears at bay, as adamant as he was about not crying now that his little brother couldn't, Ed couldn't help but feel his eyes growing moist under the cloth as he asked, "How can he ever forgive me?"

"Al's not the type to resent you for that," Pinako spoke, just at the foot of Ed's bed. He hadn't even heard her walk over. "Just ask him and I'm sure you'll see..."

"N-no," he answered, feeling a tear slip under the cloth and slide down his cheek onto the bed. "I'm too afraid to ask. I'm afraid of what he'll say."

He felt Winry's touch against his hand and he clung onto it, letting the tears fall freely.

Because Al must blame him. How could he not? Not when Ed knew it was all his fault. Ed knew deep down that he had pushed his little brother to do it, he had always been the more headstrong one. And now Al was stuck in that metal body, and he couldn't live a normal life, and there was no guarantee that he would ever be back to normal. How could he not hate Ed when Ed even hated himself?

The whirling of the machine died down and the pain faded away to a slight tingling in his leg and shoulder.

But Ed continued to let himself cry, telling himself that maybe if he cred just this one, maybe he could fight it harder in the future. He wanted to get rid of all his tears now until there was nothing left to shed tears over. He lied there long after the surgery was over, clutching onto Winry's hand as if it was the only thing tethering him to reality, protecting him from a world of pain.

* * *

Winry stayed in the surgery room long after Ed had fallen asleep. He never had let go of her hand after all. She was content just sitting there, watching her friend sleep. She had taken the cloth of his face and his eyelids flickered as he dreamed.

Winry was exhausted, but the sight of Ed looking so calm now when he had been so terrified before brought her peace.

Pinako brought in food during suppertime and told her she didn't need to stay, Ed would be resting for quite a while, but Winry didn't have the heart to pry her hand from his grip, which was tight even in sleep.

It was during the wee hours of the night that Winry found her head resting against Ed's mattress, the fingers of her free hand absentmindedly playing with strands of Ed's hair.

Edward stirred after a few minutes of this and Winry's hand paused.

His eyes peeked open slowly. He looked around blearily, and Winry could see the recognition come to Ed's eyes as he remembered what had happened. His eyesight traveled down and noticed his friend sitting there.

"Hey." His words were slurred beyond recognition but Winry understood them nonetheless.

"Hey," she echoed, words soft and hushed. The silence in the room was thick, Winry didn't want to disturb it.

"'S it over?" His eyes lulled for a moment before focusing on Winry's face.

Winry drew her lips in, wondering if she had heard him right. She smiled sadly and placed her palm back down against Ed's temple. "Yeah, Ed, the pain's over." Winry assured herself that wasn't a total lie. They still weren't done with the surgery, but the hopefulness in Ed's voice and the miserable disposition on his face made it hard for Winry to say anything less than optimistic. The real pain _was_ over, though there would definitely be some discomfort and borderline pain when the rest of the automail was installed.

But before Winry could say anything, Ed smiled slightly, just enough to show a glint of teeth. "Was'n' that bad."

* * *

**[A/N: School is back in session as of this week so if it takes me longer than normal to update just known I'm probably buried Sheska-style under a mountain of textbooks. *sobs*]**


	11. Chapter 11

When Edward thought of his mother, he wanted to remember her smile. He wanted to hear her soft voice in his memories; see her tender, green eyes and the way they lit up when he excelled at doing a rather difficult transmutation. He wanted his memories to be of her, picking tomatoes in their garden, flashing a light on and off from the highest window when it was time to come home and go to bed, and tucking him and Al in.

That's what Ed wanted. But Ed wanted a lot of things that couldn't be. And his memories of his mother had been tarnished. Her smile, her laugh, had been marred by thoughts of that creature. That _thing_ that was supposed to be his mother. Its black slithery limbs replaced her warm embrace in Ed's mind.

He could not think of his mother anymore. Not without thoughts of that _thing_ coming back to his mind, pulling him down, smothering him in his desperation until he thought he could not breathe.

He could still see it clearly in his mind. The way it moved, the way it struggled to live, that thing he had created. Its skin was black, grotesque, dripping with thick liquids that Ed could only think of as some sort of vile blood. It gasped for breath, its jaw unhinging to an impossible angle and its chest heaving.

It reached for Ed, and Ed could only think of it as his mother, reaching for him, grabbing for him, asking _why, why would you do this, why would you make me like this? _ as Edward tried backpedaling away from the monster.

He scrambled quickly for the armor in the corner, feeling like he had done this a million times before. The empty metal clanked to the ground harshly. Ed's heart was beating out of his chest because Al was _gone_. He needed his little brother, he needed to save Al's life.

His desperation intensified as he saw that creature making its way toward him, a menacing air followed its twisted figure. And Ed screamed, ripping his throat raw, shouting out the words: _"He's my little brother, just give him back!"_

But something was wrong. Something was definitely wrong. He couldn't _feel_ Al there. The monster was closing in, and in desperation Ed moved to clap his hands together before realizing his right arm was missing. He looked down to find blood everywhere. Pouring from his leg and dripping down his side.

A high-pitched drilling noise filled his ears, causing his head to pound. Automail parts lied around him, breaking off from his leg, falling from his shoulder, as his body rejected the automail.

And Al was still gone. A sharp pain shot from his shoulder and Ed cried out. He could hear the clanking of automail, and through the noise, through the gasps struggling from that monster's throat, through his own tears, Ed screamed again and again, _"Al! Just give him back! He's all I have left! Alphonse!"_

But he was hopeless, useless, there was nothing he could do. Alphonse was gone, there was nothing left but a suit of armor lying eerily empty beside him as the monster came closer. It reached out its unsteady hand. Piercing eyes stared Edward down, looking deep into his very soul. And it gasped one last time before reaching for Ed and Ed could do nothing but sit there, screaming his brother's name as tears streamed down his face. He couldn't move, couldn't breathe, he could feel himself suffocating as the monster's hand descended upon him.

* * *

Ed awoke with a gasp. In the darkness he could still see the creature's eyes, white and unseeing and somehow iridescent even in the blackness. Edward blinked a few times but the image stayed in his mind.

He gasped for breath, and gripped the sheets, trying to bring himself back to reality. He suppressed a strangled sob as thick, hot tears formed in his eyes, threatening to spill over. Ed lifted his shaky hand to cover his mouth as another cry escaped; still haunted by the dream, he was afraid to make any noise in the stillness of the dark room.

It was a silly notion, he knew. But at that moment, it seemed rational. It seemed to Edward he was just trapped in one long never-ending nightmare, with horrors and death and blood ready to descend on him without a moment's notice.

Edward tried to calm his mind by assessing himself, reassuring his mind that he was truly alright. He became acutely aware that the high-pitched noise he had heard in his dream was real, coming from somewhere outside his door, only once it abruptly stopped.

Before he could dwell on it more, Ed realized his body was shaking violently, though that was nothing new when it came to these nightmares. He felt moisture against his side and, with a start, began to think it was blood, dripping from his shoulder. He shook his head, trying to convince himself what he really knew: there was no blood, his automail hasn't been rejected. His side was slicked with sweat, as the rest of his body was, from under the thick blankets.

Ed choked out a sob again before moving his hand to wipe his eyes. His chest was beginning to rise and fall more normally as he caught his breath, but his body still shook like he had been electrocuted.

Edward became aware of how silent it had gotten as the sound of footsteps traveled to his ears. The door opened abruptly, and he jumped.

Ed peeked up through his fingers to see a small figure silhouetted by a dim yellow light coming from outside his room.

"Ed, was that you?" Winry's voice was concerned and slightly surprised.

Edward wiped once more at his eyes before letting his hand fall onto his chest. "Hn?" he mumbled, still half in a daze yet aware of the way his voice would crack if he spoke.

Winry left her position leaning against the threshold and entered the room. "It sounded like you were yelling for Al." She stopped beside Ed's bed. He could see now the beige jumpsuit she wore and the magnifying goggles pushed up on her head. She wore gloves on her hands; she placed her fists on her sides and leaned in closer.

Ed quickly, casually, brought his arm back up to his face, burying his eyes with the crook of his elbow. He tried to be inconspicuous, but he could still feel Winry's scrutinizing gaze even if he couldn't see it.

"Is everything alright?" she asked.

Ed nodded his head quietly even as his lip quivered. He bit tightly at it. He was relieved, oh so relieved, to not be alone anymore, but he refused to let himself cry in front of Winry. A small part of Ed, even through his fear, hoped she would leave without question.

He felt a pull on his blankets as Winry sat down on edge of his bed.

"M'fine," Ed grunted, trying to form the words clearly and keep the unsteadiness out of his voice as best he could. Edward grimaced, feeling the tears growing heavy under his eyelids.

"Ed…" Winry said softly, he voice was barely over a whisper. He felt her hand, soft yet freshly calloused, and she gently, yet firmly, pull his arm away from his face. "It's okay for you to cry, you know that, right?"

Edward bit at his lip. He shook his head but as he did, he could feel tears slipping from under his closed eyes. "No," he said miserably, trying to belie what Winry can plainly see. "I don't want _to," _he found himself admitting. He told her something he had never planned on saying to anyone. "Al, he can't cry, so I don't want to either. I put him in that body, Winry, I don't deserve to be able to cry."

"Oh, Ed…" She took his hand in hers, one gloved and one not.

Ed blinked and another set of tears fell. Unconsciously he pulled at his hand but Winry's grip unknowingly held him tight. He settled for turning his face away, though he knew Winry could still see him crying. It wasn't her he was really worried about, he knew she would just tell him not to keep everything bottled up; it was himself that he was afraid to disappoint. If he couldn't keep this one little promise to himself, how did he expect to promise Al to get his body back and then _keep_ that promise?

Winry's voice brought him back to reality. "Was it another nightmare?"

Ed paused for a moment; his watery eyes stared at the dark wall before he finally forced himself to nod. "Mh," he grunted.

"It was about losing Al, wasn't it?" she pressed.

Ed nodded again, not trusting himself to talk. He felt his already feverish skin grow hotter as he blushed. He had been screaming out in his sleep again. Ed had been doing that a lot recently and the nightmares just wouldn't let up. It wasn't Winry's burden to worry about; it wasn't anybody's but his own. But Ed found himself going through the dream again, giving Winry every damn detail that still haunted him. His voice shook as he recounted the story. Ed bit at his lip to keep it from shaking so much as he finished.

Winry looked down right miserable as Ed finished and she sat silently, taking in the vivid details. She looked just as helpless and hopeless as Ed felt.

"Can—Can I talk to Al yet?"

Winry looked up, a grimace on her face. "Not yet, Ed, I'm sorry. We have to keep you in here for a while longer until your body adjusts to the automail. Granny doesn't want anything to go wrong, and we just…don't know about Al, that armor is old, we don't know where it's been. We have to keep everything around you sterile."

"Oh…" Ed mumbled. He felt his heart sink even though he knew that would be her answer. "No, you're right."

"He's okay," Winry answered quickly as if to banish any doubt creeping into Ed's mind.

Itching to get the terrible thoughts of Al worried and alone out of his mind, Ed asked what had been in the back of his mind since she walked in. "Why are you still awake?" He sniffled.

Winry jumped up, surprised by the sudden change. "I—I was up trying to work on your arm. I've still got a lot of work to do on it and you're only getting better."

Ed didn't answer. It certainly didn't _feel_ that way. His skin was hot, clammy, he was sure he was running a mild fever. His stomach was upset and his head pounded in his ears.

But at least the surgery was over. Recovery might be difficult but it could in no way compare to actually having the automail installed. Ed was unsure of what time of night it was, but his last day of surgery had been earlier this morning. It only involved placing the outer casings on and connecting wires to the mechanisms. There had been a minimal of pain; a few pinches, shocks and a lot of discomfort. Ed could still feel a light pressure on his shoulder and leg. He wondered idly when Granny would give him another dosage of medicine to make the discomfort ebb away.

"Would you like to see it?"

Ed turned back to his friend, who still sat gingerly on the edge of his bed, watching him. He had almost forgotten she was there. "Huh?" he grunted, trying to clear his mind of the fog that seemed to follow him. "Uh, sure."

Automail was honestly the last thing he wanted to think about, let alone see. But Ed knew Winry had been working hard on it between taking care of him and surgery. She took a lot of pride in her unfinished work so Ed decided to humor her. Besides, it also meant Winry would stay awake with him longer; he wasn't quite ready to fall asleep alone in a dark room when his latest nightmare was still fresh in his mind.

Winry perked up and her eyes lit up. "I'll be right back," she said, jumping off the edge of the bed and dashed out of the room. There was a bit of clanking from down the hall before Winry reappeared, arms full of metal bits and wires.

She placed them down at the foot of Ed's bed, where his feet could not reach, and held up the main mechanism. It wasn't much to look at so far; he could see the inner structure and multicolored wires wrapped intricately around it. He could make out the joint of the elbow and the place where it would be inserted into his shoulder.

Winry knelt down at Ed's head and held it up for him to see in the dim light. She began going on and on about the way the arm worked, excitedly using jargon Ed could barely understand.

She held up the hand, showing Ed the fingers, which looked odd, claw-like, without plating. She moved them and the wrist, showing him just how much they moved like real flesh and muscle. She smiled, expecting Ed to share in her enthusiasm.

He forced a small smile. "It's great, Winry."

Her smile faltered a bit but she blinked it away. She held the arm up closer to herself, scrutinizing it. "I'm just not sure about the plating…" she mused to herself. "I want to make it strong, especially knowing you, Ed."

Edward scowled.

"But I also don't want to make it too heavy either."

Ed was quiet for a moment before speaking up. "What if you strengthened the hydraulics then used a 25% zinc steel plating? It'll be stronger, lighter and less prone to rusting, right?

Winry paused, staring at the arm. She blinked once, twice, her eyebrows knit before she slowly looked down at Edward. "That…that might actually work. Ed, how did you…?"

"You know, I _do_ listen to you sometimes." Ed smiled. It was repressed, tired, but still so genuine and Ed-like, Winry didn't realize until now just how much she had missed it.

* * *

**[A/N: I'M BAAAA-AAAAAACK]**


End file.
